Schadenfreude
by Anglais-Italia
Summary: Schadenfreude. Noun. Definition: pleasure derived by someone from another person's misfortune. Well, that's certainly true in this case. AU. EdWin, LingFan, Royai and future AlMei. With a few cameos.
1. SUPER Happy Food Time!

_Schadenfreude._  
**"SUPER Happy Food Time!"**  
**Characters:** Ling Yao, Lan Fan, Edward Elric, Alphonse Elric, Winry Rockbell, Alfons Heidrich, Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye, Jean Havoc, Heymans Breda, Kain Fuery, Valto Falman, Eduard Heidrich  
**Pairings:** LingFan, EdWin, AlMei, implied others  
**Word Count:** 2369

* * *

**Disclaimer: **We do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or anything else that you might recognise. We do, however, own the very crackish plot, and several OCs (Eduard Heidrich, Wilhelmine Raskoph, Ross Muhlfeld, Liesa Hauser).

* * *

"Welcome to the grand opening of_ Super_ Happy Food Time!" Ling announced with a huge grin. "I'm Ling Yao, co-owner, and this is my beautiful wife, Lan Fan, and Ed is this_ really_ your _entire _group?" Ling asked, scanning the group, which consisted of merely four people – Edward, Alphonse, Winry, and Alfons.

"Professor Bastard –"

"_Edward_," Winry warned.

"Roy Mustang, sorry, is coming by in a few minutes. He said that he was bringing more people. And aren't there usually students here?"

"The official grand opening isn't for another hour," Ling explained.

"Why did you make us come an hour early?" Ed complained.

"Because you're my friends, and friends get a discount!"

"Really?"

Ling nodded. "You guys eat free for tonight. Every other night's fifty percent off."

Ed was at a loss for words, and Alphonse seemed to be in a similar state.

"Are you two okay?"

Ling didn't get a response, as Edward and Alphonse ran to the buffet tables and began piling plates high with food.

Winry rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry about them, Ling."

Ling grinned. "It's no problem. We expected that. You two can go ahead and eat, too. I just expect all of you to come back to eat here every once in a while."

"That won't be a problem," Alfons assured him with a smile before going to get food.

Winry rolled her eyes again. Men. "I'd better make sure that Edward doesn't choke when he inhales his food. Thank you for inviting, us, Ling."

"No problem! I just hope Mustang gets here soon…"

With that, he went to hover by the front door. Winry sighed and went go get some food.

She sat down at a table with Edward, Alphonse, and Alfons, the latter of which was the only one acting like a sane individual and _eating_ his food rather than inhaling it.

"Ed, please chew your food. I don't want to have to go to the emergency room again."

Ed rolled his eyes. "That was one time!"

"And that one time was more than enough, thank you."

Edward had opened his mouth to reply when a very _loud_ song in Japanese cut him off.

_Donna toki mo doko ni iru toki demo tsuyoku tsuyoku dakishimeteite jounetsu ga nichijou ni somaru toshite mo -_

Alfons blushed and checked his caller ID. With an apologetic smile toward his friends, he answered the phone. "Hallo?"

He blushed almost instantly. "Äh... Wil... N-nein! I-ich liebe dich auch! Natürlich!"

Edward rolled his eyes, and continued to shovel food into his mouth.

"Ja? Ä-äh... das ist... wunderbar, Wil. ...Nein, ich bin nicht – Wil, bitte... Ich liebe dich, liebling. ...Äh... ...äh, ja. Okay. Ich liebe dich auch. Tschüs ."

Edward smirked when Alfons slipped his phone back into his pocket.

"You just told her that you loved her three times. There is no way in hell that she's just your friend."

Alphonse rolled his eyes, all too familiar with this argument. Winry, however, glared at her boyfriend. "Edward," she warned.

Edward rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine, I'll stop." A few seconds later, he asked, "Where's Professor Bastard, anyway? Ling'll kill me if he doesn't show."

Alphonse laughed. "He wouldn't kill you, Ed… he'd just raid our fridge."

"What's the difference!"

"Petulant as always, I see, Fullmetal."

Edward looked up to see Roy Mustang standing on his right. "See if you'll be smirking when squinty eyes raids your fridge."

"Hello, Roy," Winry greeted, ignoring her boyfriend.

Roy smiled. "Winry, always a pleasure. And Al and Alfons, hello."

Edward glared at Roy, who laughed. "Hey, Fullmetal, I wanted to ask you something," he began, pulling a chair over.

"What?"

"You're still unemployed, aren't you?"

Edward only glared at Roy.

"It's a serious question, Fullmetal."

"Why do you even care?" Edward snapped.

Roy smirked. "I have a proposition for you. Amestris High School is in desperate need for a chemistry teacher – and it's August, as you well know. School starts in a month, and Bradley is desperate."

"You want me to apply?"

"Well, you have your Bachelor's in chemistry, don't you?"

"Well, yeah, but I thought that you needed to have a _degree_ in teaching to be a teacher."

Roy laughed. "If you did, do you think that half of the staff at Amestris would be working there? I certainly wouldn't be. Listen, you'd be a chemistry teacher, so you'd only need a degree in that – which you have. Then you just take a test to get certified as a teacher – and you'll pass."

"What makes you so sure of that?"

"_Armstrong_ passed. You'll pass without any trouble."

"Why do you need _me _to be a chemistry teacher?"

"I told you, the school's desperate. Our head of the science department – one of the other chemistry teachers – got fired."

"Why?"

Roy shrugged. "Students failing his class, spreading some dirty rumours about Łuka – I can't pronounce his last name – Feliks. He's the theatre teacher, and well respected in the theatre community. The school board had enough of him – the other chemistry teacher, that is – stirring up trouble and fired him, and now we need another chemistry teacher."

Edward narrowed his eyes. "What do _you_ get out of this?" he asked, knowing that Roy rarely did anything if it didn't have something in it for him.

"The school board's desperate, so whoever recruits the new chemistry teacher gets to be head of the science department – if they teach science, that is. Otherwise, it goes to the senior most teacher – which isn't me."

Ed considered it for a few minutes. "…You owe me. And it's only because I need a job."

Roy smiled. "Thank you, Fullmetal. Now, if you four will excuse me, I'm going to go get something to eat."

After Roy walked off, Edward sighed. "What the hell just happened?"

"It looked like Professor Mustang just got you to agree to be the new chemistry teacher," Al observed.

"I think that it's a good idea, Ed," Winry said. "Alfons and I already have jobs, and Al even works part-time."

"But school starts at what time? Eight? And I'd have to be there by seven-thirty. That's an ungodly hour of the morning."

Alfons stifled a laugh, which caused Edward to glare at him. Lucky for Alfons, his phone rang, a Korean song this time, and he checked his caller ID. "It's my brother; I'll be right back."

He got up and exited the restaurant.

"I think it's great that you're going to be working at a school, Ed," Al offered. "It might help you to control your temper."

"ALPHONSE~SAMA~!"

There was a blur of pink, purple, and black as a petite Asian girl glomped Alphonse.

"Hello, Mei," Al greeted with a smile, like he hadn't just been tackled.

A small, round-eared cat ran over, and leaped onto Alphonse's shoulder, purring as she rubbed her head against his.

Mei released Al and looked from him to the cat.

"…Xiao Mei…?"

The cat didn't respond, and Mei's eyes widened. Alphonse, thinking that she was upset, reached a hand out to comfort her, and was therefore shocked when he received another glomp.

"Xiao Mei likes you, Alphonse-sama!"

"I'd noticed," Al replied with a laugh.

"But she never likes other people! She's only ever liked me!" There was an obvious tone of joy in her voice, and Alphonse vaguely wondered what was going on with her.

"Well, I'm glad that she likes me. I love cats."

"It's a panda," Edward argued from the other side of the table. Alphonse, Mei, and (ostensibly) Xiao Mei ignored him.

"You don't understand, Alphonse-sama. She _hates_ people. Do you have any idea what this means?"

Fearing that he might have the wrong answer, Al shook his head no.

"We must be soul mates~!" Mei squealed, squeezing Alphonse tightly.

"U-um… that's… nice, Mei, but I really don't think that…" he trailed off once he realised that Mei was obviously ignoring his words.

-x-x-x-

At a nearby table, Jean Havoc sat with Heymans Breda, Kain Fuery, Valto Falman, Riza Hawkeye, and Roy Mustang.

"You know, I'm not really partial to Chinese food," Jean said. "I prefer French, or if you must, Creole."

Riza rolled her eyes. "Be polite, Jean."

"It's true. I don't like –" He stopped short when he saw a pretty Asian woman nearby. "If you'll excuse me."

Breda waited until Jean was out of earshot until he smirked. "Anyone care for a bet?"

-x-x-x-

"Well, hello there, beautiful."

The woman turned to look at him. _She really is gorgeous,_ he thought, _and definitely my type_, he added mentally as his eyes wandered up and down her body.

"Do you need anything?" she asked with a slight accent.

"Your number."

The woman rolled her eyes at his cheesy line. "Besides that."

"Well, a date might be nice…"

Within seconds, Ling was at the woman's side, holding a knife that had tomato juice dripping from it. He grinned. "Excuse me, but this is my wife that you're hitting on."

Jean, mistaking the tomato juice for blood and Ling's friendly tone for psychotic, squeaked and ran out of the restaurant.

"What was that all about?" Ling asked.

Lan Fan sighed. "You're holding a knife. Go back to the kitchen."

Ling looked at the knife in his hands and frowned. "Oh. Well he didn't have to run away. Americans are so weird sometimes."

-x-x-x-

"Listen, Eduard… no, no, it's great that you and Wil want to visit – really! But… I don't exactly have that much room."

Alfons could almost hear his brother rolling his eyes. "Really?"

"Really. I have a small spare bed in the study and a couch – that's all that I have."

"What about your bed?"

Alfons sighed. "Listen, I'm fine with you and Wil dating," – that was a lie – "but you're not sleeping in my bed."

"I wasn't suggesting that Wil and I sleep in your bed – I was suggesting that you have three places for people to sleep, so, technically, that's enough room."

"What about work?"

"…You have a point. …But you could always visit us!"

_Because that worked out _so_ well last time_, Alfons thought. "I have school," he said aloud.

"You can skip school for a week. You're my kleinen Bruder, and I haven't seen you in person in two years. That's not right."

"That's not true," Alfons argued.

"Oh, I'm sorry. We all met up for a weekend in New York City about a year ago. That hardly counts. Do you not want to see me? Is that it?"

Alfons sighed. "No, of course not!" _It's just seeing you and Wil _together_ that I can't take._

"Then why can't you come over? You said that your classes don't start for a month. Come and visit next week."

Alfons was about to reply when he was almost knocked over by Jean Havoc running from the restaurant in terror. Figuring that it was better not to ask, he returned his attention to his phone call.

There really wasn't any reason that he _couldn't_ visit his brother and best friend in Munich for a week or so – and he could probably meet up with some old friends from high school, too. But that wasn't it. He'd be staying with Eduard and Wilhelmine… and he didn't think that he could handle a repeat of his previous visit.

"Visit in a week? Do you have any idea how much a flight to Munich would _cost_ right now?"

"You say that like you couldn't afford it."

Eduard had a point, and Alfons was running out of excuses. "Okay… listen. How about I visit you two over Christmas?"

Eduard didn't say anything for a few second, so Alfons assumed that he was considering it.

"Okay, fine. But you're _coming_ over, even if I have to go to America and drag you here myself."

Alfons smiled. "That won't be necessary, Eduard."

"It better not be."

"While I have you on the phone, is there anything that you'd like to tell me?"

"Äh… Oh! Ross hasn't had a girlfriend in months and he proposed to Liesa last week. She turned him down."

That was only to be expected, but Alfons couldn't help but feel bad for Ross. "Is that all?"

"Johan's with Ross's sister, Felicie, which has Ross pretty pissed off."

"…I thought that he was engaged to Liesa's cousin."

"Apparently they broke up, and Liesa verbally assaulted him for it. Wil didn't tell you any of this?"

How to phrase this? "When Wil and I talk, it's usually not about… people."

"It's about that Japanese stuff that you like, isn't it? And physics and engineering? Gott, you two are such nerds."

"…You're one to talk."

Eduard laughed. "Right, whatever. Well, Wil and I are supposed to go out to dinner, so I'll let you go now."

"All right. Tschüs."

"Tschüs, kleinen Bruder," Eduard said.

Alfons ended the phone call. For some reason, talking to Eduard always left him feeling lonely.

-x-x-x-

"You're gonna be a teacher, huh?" Ling asked Edward as he stood by their table, eating food from a frying pan.

"Apparently."

Ling grinned. "That's great! You'll be surrounded by people the same height as you all day!"

Winry and Alphonse both had to hold Edward back, and it was this that Alfons returned to.

"…Are you sure that you should be carrying that around the restaurant?" Alfons asked Ling, motioning to the frying pan.

Ling laughed. "Please, I am a trained _professiona– OH MY GOD THE TABLE'S ON FIRE! LAN FAN~! HELP~!"_

Lan Fan calmly walked over with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. Then she turned to Ling and began yelling at him in Chinese.

"Well, uh, I think that it's time for us to go…" Alphonse said, trying to pry Xiao Mei from his shoulder, to no avail. "Mei, could you please…?"

Mei smiled and removed the cat from his shoulder. "Come back soon, Alphonse-sama!"

"Sure, Mei," Al promised as he and Winry dragged a still-raging Edward from the restaurant.

Alfons followed at a safe distance, wondering why he was friends with half of these people.

-x-x-x-

"I win," Roy smirked, "Pay up."

Riza rolled her eyes as Breda and Fuery reached into their pockets and paid Roy their dues.

"Men," she muttered.

* * *

**Note:** Believe it or not, this has been a work in progress for six months, but Italia and I have been getting sidetracked with various plotbunnies and supposed-to-be one-off OCs (Until last night, this chapter was 400 words. It's now 2500). Alfons's ringtone (the Japanese one) is "Shin Ai" by Nana Mizuki, which is a lovely song that we do not own the rights to. Also, yeah. Almost everyone is a bit out of character, mainly for melodrama, and that's intentional. Hopefully it's not too bad.

To note: this is manga-verse. The only ones in anime-verse are the Germans, which, at this point, is really only Alfons. And that's really just because Iggy loves Alfons too much not to include him in almost every fanfiction that she writes for FMA.

From Iggy: I apologise if the German is wrong. I don't speak German aside from a few words, and I refuse to ask the Austrian exchange student who is in my pre-calc class to beta-read my German, mainly because... yeah, I've known him for less than a week. XD

Anyway, we hope that you enjoyed it, and stay tuned for more~!


	2. Pikachu

_Schadenfreude._  
**"Pikachu"**  
**Characters:** Elysia Hughes, Selim Bradley  
**Pairings:** onesided Selim/Elysia  
**Word Count:** 148

* * *

"Elysia?"

Elysia looked up to see Selim Bradley standing beside her, obviously hiding something behind his back.

"Selim? Aren't you homeschooled?"

"Was? Ah… ja."

He was speaking German again, which made Elysia stare blankly at him.

"Um… Selim? I don't speak German."

Selim blushed a rather bright shade of red before holding out what looked like a bright yellow, plush, oversize chipmunk with rather large ears.

"Um…? What is it? Is it for me?"

Selim nodded. "Es ist ein Pikachu."

Elysia stared at the plushie.

"Es erinnerte mich an Sie."

He forced the Pikachu into her hands and ran off.

"Who was that?" Elysia's friend asked.

"Selim."

"Is he your boyfriend?"

"No. Our dads work together."

Elysia's friend shrugged, and they went back to wandering around the playground.

Though Elysia was sure that she could see a blur in the sky out of the corner of her eye.

* * *

**Note:** According to Google Translate, Selim's lines translate roughly to "What? Oh, yes." "It's a Pikachu." and "It reminded me of you." If it's wrong, please tell us. We're not exactly experts in German. Also, um, yeah. Their dads would be King Bradley and Maes Hughes, both of whom work at Amestris High School (Bradley is the principal and Hughes teaches photography). The whole German thing comes from two points: Amestris in the first anime being pretty much a parallel to Germany, and German being Selim's first language due to his, erm, real parent(s) - he is, like manga-Selim - nothing short of a genius, and, as such, is perfectly fluent in English - to the point where he has an American accent when he speaks it.

And I'm aware that Pikachu's a mouse Pokémon, but... it looks more like a chipmunk than a mouse, or at least it would to an eight-year-old girl. (Seeing as the timeline here is... four or five years after the main FMA story line, Elysia's eight).

Also, I don't think that we said, but this fic is going to be posted in anachronistic order, which we think fits it better than chronological order. It adds to the insanity and chaos of the story. So, technically, you could view this as a one-shot compilation that takes place within the same universe. Or you could view it as a crackfic. Your choice.


	3. I Never

_Schadenfreude_  
**"I Never"**  
**Characters:** Alfons Heidrich, Eduard Heidrich, Wilhelmine Raskoph, Ross Muhlfeld, Liesa Hauser, Johan Habicht, Karl Fuchs, Rebekka Collins, Felicie Muhlfeld  
**Pairings:** Alfons/Wilhelmine, Ross/Liesa, Karl/Sascha  
**Chapter Rating:** T+  
**Word Count:** 4,302

* * *

"I cannot believe you want to go to this," Liesa muttered, as she walked with her cousin, Rebekka, to Ross's house. "All it's going to be is Ross Muhlfeld making an ass out of himself and trying to get everyone drunk."

"Is he cute?"

"Who?"

"Ross!"

"…You have a boyfriend."

"Not for me, silly. For you!"

Liesa stopped walking. "Wh-what? No! Of course not! I like being single, thank you very much."

Rebekka rolled her eyes as Liesa resumed walking. "Well, you're going to his house."

"My friends are going to be there."

"But you've been to his house before. Otherwise, you wouldn't know the way there."

"You assume that my friends and I haven't been over his house before?" Liesa asked.

"If you hate him so much…"

"I don't _hate_ him. I'm just not particularly fond of him."

"Sure. Whatever you say," Rebekka drawled sarcastically.

"We're here," Liesa said, ignoring her cousin as she rang the doorbell to Ross's house.

"Posh," Rebekka observed.

-x-x-x-

"Doorbell, Frodo," Felicie ordered.

"Go upstairs, Felicie," Ross muttered.

"Fine, fine, and I'll tell Mutti that you had a bunch of friends over for a party while she was in Vienna."

Ross scowled. "Fine. You can stay downstairs, but no embarrassing remarks, got it?"

Felicie rolled her eyes.

"I'm serious, Felicie," Ross warned, before going to answer the door.

Liesa was standing there, looking positively bored.

"Äh… hey, Liesa. Come in. Äh… just so you know, Eduard's out with Johan trying to get alcohol…"

Liesa stiffened. "Eduard?"

"Yeah… but… Alfons and Wil are on their way. And Karl is already here."

Liesa still didn't look too pleased, but she entered the house anyway, Rebekka following her.

"Oh yeah, Ross, this is my cousin Rebekka."

Ross looked at her before announcing, "Whatever you do, stay away from Johan and Eduard, especially after they get drunk."

"Why?"

"You don't want to know," Liesa growled as she stalked into the living room.

"…What's her problem with that Eduard guy?" Rebekka asked Ross.

"I really shouldn't tell you. She'll murder me."

"So she _does _have a problem with him? I wasn't imagining that?"

"No, she and Eduard definitely have some… issues."

"They're not dat–"

"No, they're not, and I wouldn't ask anyone else about that. All you need to know is that they have issues with each other, and they can't even be in the same room unless Eduard is highly intoxicated, and even then, it's risky. I didn't even want Eduard to _come_, but you can't invite Alfons to anything without Eduard hearing about it. They're brothers," Ross added, upon seeing Rebekka's expression.

"…How do_ you_ feel about this Eduard guy?"

"He and I are friends."

"Then why not invite him?"

"Because, then Liesa wouldn't have come."

"Do you like her or something?"

"Don't be ridiculous."

The doorbell rang. "And that would be Alfons and Wilhelmine."

"Wait, why don't you want me around Eduard and Johan?"

"Because they're absolute idiots when they get drunk," Ross explained before opening the door and letting Alfons and Wilhelmine in. "Liesa and Karl are in the living room… hopefully Felicie's gone upstairs, but that's unlikely, so…"

Wilhelmine laughed. "Like you have to worry about Alfons being inappropriate."

"Surprisingly, I was worried that it might be the other way around."

Rebekka wandered into the living room, where Liesa was talking with a dark-haired bespectacled boy of about sixteen. A dark-haired girl was lounging on a chaise, reading.

"Y'know…" she began.

"If it's about Ross, please don't," Liesa said, cutting her off.

"Aren't you going to introduce me?"

"Karl, this is my cousin Rebekka Collins, Rebekka, this is Karl Fuchs."

"It's nice to meet you," Karl greeted, offering his hand for Rebekka to shake, which she did.

"You, too."

"Liesa, first of all, I'm sorry," Alfons said as he entered the room. "Ross called me, and Eduard was in the room, and I wasn't thinking."

"It's fine, Alfons. Just hold me back if I try to murder him, okay? I don't want to go to prison."

"You're not going to try to murder him," Alfons sighed.

"Watch me. If he makes a single drunken pass at me…"

Ross entered the room, and the girl on the chaise threw the book at his head, missing by about a foot.

"That book is probably the most boring thing that I've ever read."

"I didn't tell you to read it, did I?"

"No."

Ross examined the book. "Felicie?"

"Yes?"

"Is this my first-edition English version?"

"Yes, it is."

Alfons and Wilhelmine exchanged glances.

"Upstairs. Now. I don't care _what_ the hell you tell Mutti, I'll just tell her about your little date last week."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Wouldn't I?"

The girl – Felicie – glared at him. "It was just –"

"Right. I'm sure. Because it looked _so_ innocent. Upstairs now, or I'll call Mutti right now."

"Fine," the girl groaned and left the room.

"…It's unhealthy how much you love those books," Liesa muttered.

"This is my first-edition English version! And she _threw_ it!"

Liesa rolled her eyes. "Just go put it back before Eduard and Johan get here."

"That's a good idea," Ross agreed. "I'll be back."

"Oh, yeah. Alfons, Wil, this is my cousin, Rebekka."

"Nice to meet you," Wilhelmine greeted.

"Hey! Let us in! We've got alcohol!"

"Oh, Gott…" Liesa muttered.

"…Should I get that?" Alfons asked.

"I'd rather you pretend that no one's here," Liesa suggested.

"Alfons, I know you're in there!"

Alfons sighed. "Sorry, Liesa."

He left, and reappeared seconds later with two tall teenage boys carrying boxes.

"How did the two of you get all of that?" Karl asked, sure that they'd done something illegal.

"I just charmed the chick at the liquor store," Johan said, smirking.

"And fake IDs helped, too."

"…And the fact that we're pretty tall."

"Will you two _stop_ flattering yourselves?" Liesa snapped.

"Someone's snappy," Johan remarked.

"I'm gone for a minute and the three of you are already arguing?" Ross groaned, reentering the room.

In comparison with Johan, Eduard, and Alfons, Ross looked out of place, with black hair, dark eyes, and a slightly shorter stature.

"I didn't start it," Johan muttered. "I only brought booze."

"Isn't your younger sister home, Ross?" Eduard asked.

"She's upstairs."

"Is she going to be joining us?" Johan asked.

"Johan, _you're_ sixteen. Eduard, you're _almost_ sixteen. Felicie _just turned_ fourteen. If either of you try anything with her, trust me, I won't be the only one tearing you apart."

"Okay, okay."

Liesa rolled her eyes. "So what, exactly, was the point of my coming here? Aside from Bekka's insistence, of course."

"Oh, hello there," Johan said, walking over to stand closer to Rebekka.

"Don't you two _dare_. She has a boyfriend."

"Damn," Johan muttered. "Well… Liesa?"

"I swear I'll castrate you if you try _anything_ on me."

Johan paled. "O-okay… Äh… Wil?"

"In your dreams."

"What's the point of a party without hot girls – the kind that are single and not –"

Ross cleared his throat, subtly gesturing toward Liesa, who looked murderous.

"…smart?"

"Nice save," Eduard mouthed.

"Eduard, can you and Johan _please_ stop hitting on girls? For one night?" Alfons asked.

"…Only for you, little brother," Eduard sighed.

"Until you get drunk, that is," Liesa muttered.

Eduard either didn't hear her, or pretended not to. Instead, he and Johan started emptying the boxes of alcohol.

"Hey Ross! Do you have any shot glasses?"

"Kitchen," Ross said, sitting down next to Liesa, who tried to inch away from him, but was unable to, due to Karl and Rebekka already occupying the couch. "And I'm not moving, Liesa." He leaned in closer to her, and added, "It's either me or Eduard, and I'm sure that we both know who you'd rather have sitting next to you."

Liesa looked around the room, and sure enough, Wilhelmine, Alfons, and Johan were already sitting.

"Just don't make a move on me," Liesa muttered.

"Of course not."

"You know what we should play?" Johan asked. "Never Have I Ever."

"That's stupid," Liesa dismissed.

"Come on, Lies. It'll be fun," Ross said, grinning. He lowered his voice to a conspiring whisper. "Besides, you can't honestly tell me that you have no desire to see Alfons, Wil, or Karl drunk."

"What kind of questions would get them to _drink_?" Liesa replied, her voice as low as his. "Alfons is about the most innocent person that I've ever met, and though Wil _acts_ like she's not… I mean… she's probably never even made out with a guy, or gotten drunk. I'm pretty sure if we got them drunk, _we'd_ be too drunk to notice."

"We could try to make it about… things they'd drink to…"

"Right. Because it never gets into sex or anything," Liesa drawled.

"Live a little, Lies."

Liesa rolled her eyes.

"Hey! Loverboy! You two in?" Johan asked.

"I am," Ross said.

"…Fine," Liesa agreed, a little bit uncomfortable that Ross had said nothing at Johan's 'loverboy' comment.

Eduard reentered with some shot glasses. "Alfons, you're not allowed to get drunk."

"Someone needs to make sure that you make it home alive. Besides, it's Never Have I Ever. It's not like I have a lot to drink to."

"Soda only, little brother."

Alfons sighed. "Fine."

"All right. Everyone, get in a circle."

Johan and Eduard sat down where they were, and the rest filed in around them. To Liesa's annoyance, she was stuck between Ross and Johan. "Fantastic," she muttered. Johan rolled his eyes, and Ross frowned. Eduard began passing out shot glasses and filling them with alcohol. He handed one, filled with cola, to Alfons.

"I mean it, little brother. No drinking."

Alfons rolled his eyes. "I wouldn't anyway..."

Liesa eyed her shot glass with distaste.

"I'll start!" Eduard exclaimed.

"No, you won't," Liesa argued. "Wilhelmine will."

The blonde in question looked around the circle. "Äh… okay. I've never… gotten drunk."

Everyone in the circle except for Wilhelmine, Alfons, and Karl took a drink.

"You've gotten drunk, Liesa?" Eduard asked.

"Yes, though I don't see why that's of any interest to you."

"I'll go next, shall I?" Alfons asked. "I've never traveled abroad."

He took a drink, and was followed by Ross, Liesa, Wilhelmine, Rebekka, and Johan.

"French girls loved me," Johan bragged. "I've never hooked up with someone from a foreign country."

Johan was the only one to drink to that.

"Seriously? Ross, you go to France every summer, you've never hooked up with a pretty French girl?"

"No, I haven't."

"Never have I hooked up with anyone. Ever."

Wilhelmine and Alfons were the only ones that didn't drink to that.

"Karl? Who did _you_ hook up with?"

"My… äh… girlfriend?"

"You have a girlfriend? Why wasn't I told about this?" Johan demanded.

"You didn't ask? I don't know."

"Who is she?"

"…Sascha Voss."

Johan considered it. "I approve, techie, I approve." He turned to Liesa. "And what about you? I didn't think you'd ever let a guy get close to you."

"It's absolutely none of your business."

"Touchy."

"Äh… I've never… made out with someone in public!" Ross said, mainly to avoid inevitable confrontation.

Johan drank to that. "I've never made out with someone," he said as he took another swig. Again, Wilhelmine and Alfons were the only two that didn't drink to that.

"Wilhelmine, I have no idea that you were so… _innocent_," Johan half-slurred. "I would have thought that a fucking hot chick like you would have hooked up with someone by now, or at least made out with someone!"

"I'm saving myself for Alfons," Wilhelmine drawled. "He seems to be determined not to have sex until he's married, so I'm just going to marry him the second he turns eighteen."

No one in the circle was quite sure if she was kidding.

"I've never hooked up with someone in school," Johan said. He was the only one who drank to that.

"Is your sole purpose in this game to get as drunk as possible?" Ross asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Nah, it's to see how innocent all of you are. And I've never wanted to hook up with someone in this house… äh… room," Johan amended, catching Ross's glare. "And I do mean _never_," he added, as he took a swig. Eduard, Ross, Liesa, and Wilhelmine followed suit.

Wilhelmine pouted when she realised that Alfons hadn't drank to that. "You've never wanted to have sex with me, Alfons?"

Alfons blushed furiously and took a sip of his soda.

"I've never had a crush on someone in this room," Karl offered.

"Wouldn't that be the same as wanting to hook up with someone?" Johan asked.

Liesa smacked the back of his head. "No, you idiot. You can want to hook up with someone without having an emotional attraction to them, and you can have a crush on someone without wanting to hook up with them… though… that's pretty rare." She drank, as did Wilhelmine and Alfons, followed by a rather delayed Ross, and a contemplative Eduard.

"Got one!" Rebekka shouted. "I've never had sex with someone who I wasn't dating."

She drank, followed by a rather enthusiastic Johan and Eduard, and a rather embarrassed Ross and Liesa.

"I've never had a one night stand," Johan countered.

"Define that," Ross said.

"It's a one night stand, dude. What needs explaining? Sex with someone who you have no intention of sleeping with again."

Liesa drank to that, so did Johan, Eduard, Rebekka, and a hesitant Ross.

"I've never hooked up with someone whilst drunk," Johan supplied before taking a swig. Eduard and Rebekka followed suit.

"I've never hooked up with someone in a public place."

"Define public?" Karl asked.

"…A place that isn't a house, hotel, or car?"

Ross, Liesa, and Johan drank to that, as did a blushing Karl.

"Where. Everyone who just drank to that. Where?" Johan demanded.

"Bathroom at the Chinese place," Liesa said easily. "Among others."

"Bathroom at the cinema," Ross said. "And… some other places, too."

"…The back of the library," Karl muttered, blushing a bright red.

"Bus to France, bathroom in France – one of those pay-to-get-in deals, bathroom at school, then there's the light booth, the dressing room, the shower in the dressing room –"

"I think I speak for everyone when I say that that is _far_ too much information," Wilhelmine said, cutting him off.

"…I'm never getting a shower in the dressing room again," Ross muttered.

"I've never had a threesome!" Johan shouted, and drank to that. "Aw, come on, none of you? Well, mine was in the shower in the dressing room with Lara and Noah…"

"You had sex with _them_? Johan, they're… creepy."

"Yeah, but they're hot and they were willing."

"Lies? Slap him for me."

Liesa was more than happy to oblige.

"You're such a womanising pig," Wilhelmine muttered. Johan winked at her.

"I've never come on to anyone."

Johan, Liesa, Rebekka, Eduard, and Wil drank to that.

"You've hooked up in a bathroom, but you've never come on to anyone?" Johan asked Ross.

"Not really."

"I've never killed anyone," Eduard slurred. Unsurprisingly, no one drank to that.

"I've never wanted to hook up with one of Ross's sisters," Johan said. He and Eduard drank.

"I've never wanted to hook up with _more_ than one of Ross's sisters," Eduard said. He and Johan both drank.

"At the same time." They drank again.

"I've never hooked up with one of Ross's sisters," Eduard supplied. No one drank to that.

"Good," Ross muttered.

"Dude, your sisters are _hot_," Johan slurred.

"That's fantastic, Johan. Just what I want to hear."

"I've never kissed anyone in this room," Rebekka said. She, Johan, and Karl were the only ones that didn't drink to that.

"I've never made out with anyone in this room," Alfons said. Ross, Liesa, and Eduard drank to that.

"Well that doesn't make mathematical sense," Rebekka muttered.

"I've never hooked up with someone in this room," Johan slurred.

"Oh, look! We're out of alcohol!" Eduard exclaimed, examining everyone's glasses. "Guess the game's over!"

"There's more alcohol by the couch," Johan said.

"…Scheiße," Eduard muttered. "Well… I'm too drunk to get the alcohol."

"Alfons, go get it," Johan ordered.

"I'd rather not."

"Fine. Then raise your hand if you _have_ hooked up with someone in this room."

"This is stupid," Eduard said.

"_You_ have. That much is obvious," Johan slurred. "Otherwise you wouldn't care. Come on. Hands in the air."

"I need another drink," Ross muttered.

"You know, Ross, you and Liesa had a lot of the same answers…"

"It's a drinking game. You and Eduard had a lot of the same answers, too."

"Yeah, but both of you had sex in a bathroom!"

"So did you."

"In _France_ and in _school_! Not at places two blocks apart!"

"Johan, just drop it," Eduard slurred. "It's not like it _matters_."

"I say we kill him," Liesa offered.

"He… kind of _does_ have a point," Rebekka said.

"What?"

"Well, no one else is getting defensive, just the three of you."

"Karl passed out about five minutes ago and Wil and Alfons left the room. That leaves you and Johan, aside from us."

"Then just admit it," Rebekka suggested.

"In front of Johan. Yeah, that's smart," Eduard slurred.

"Look, if Eduard's hooked up with someone in this room, and Wil's never hooked up with anyone, and we've both just _met_ Rebekka, clearly that leaves Liesa. Unless he's gay… but I'm pretty sure that he's not. So. Yeah. Liesa."

Ross held Liesa back before she could lunge at Johan. "Lies, calm down, okay?"

"Yeah, and what's with him calling you _Lies_? You never let _anyone_ call you that. That's what your Mutti called you, and no one was allowed to call you that back _then_, so I really don't think that _now…_"

"Rebekka, shut up."

"I'm gonna go puke," Johan said, excusing himself.

"I'm going to go with him," Rebekka said, slightly terrified of the glare her cousin was giving her.

"…I'm going to go talk to your –"

"Don't you _dare_ leave this room," Ross growled.

"What if I have to puke?"

"Then go to the bathroom, but do _not_ go upstairs."

"Ross?"

"Yes?"

"Are you planning on letting go of me?"

"…With how angry you are? Not really."

"…Wait. Johan left."

"Yes."

"And Rebekka followed him?"

"_Scheiße!"_ Ross and Eduard hissed.

"I'll go make sure that they're not doing anything… stupid," Eduard offered, leaving the room.

"…You know that he's probably going to try to hit on Felicie, right?" Liesa asked, turning her head to meet Ross's gaze.

"Yeah… but Felicie's smart enough not to do anything too stupid with him. If it were Johan, however…"

"Ross?"

"Yes?"

"You have pretty eyes."

"You're drunk."

"Probably. But you _do_ have pretty eyes."

"Thank you."

"I mean… they're so… dark. It's like… they're almost black, but they're blue, not brown. And that's pretty. Brown eyes aren't pretty."

"You have brown eyes, and your eyes are very pretty."

"They're not."

"Yes, they are. Just like the rest of you."

"I'm not pretty."

"Yes, you are."

"You're pretty, though," Liesa said softly, reaching up to touch his face. "Why do you like me? You_ do_ like me. I'm not stupid. But… why?"

"I like you because you're smart, you're beautiful, and I suspect that you're really sweet behind all of those walls that you put up."

"I don't want people close to me. The only thing people do when they get close to you is hurt you."

"That's not true."

"My Mutti died, my Vati hasn't been sober – or paid attention to me – since, and let's not forget Eduard…"

"I'm pretty sure that your Mutti didn't mean to hurt you, Lies."

"But she did, anyway."

"And your Vati's probably just upset over your Mutti."

"That doesn't mean that he has to act like I don't exist."

"Lies, not everyone who wants to get close to you wants to hurt you. I'd never want to hurt you."

"That's _you_ – and that's just what you say, anyway."

"Liesa, you've known me for almost a year now. Have I ever given you any reason to think that I want to hurt you?"

"No. But I knew my parents for thirteen years, and I didn't think that they'd hurt me, either."

"Lies, I _promise_ you that I'll never hurt you. And, if, by some accident or something, I do, I will not only do everything that I can to make it up to you, but I'll let you punish me however you want."

"…You're too nice to me, Ross."

"No, I'm really not. You deserve more people treating you this way."

Liesa didn't respond, but she didn't pull back, either. Instead, she turned around so that her entire body was facing him. She adjusted herself so that her legs were wrapped around Ross's waist.

"You know, you're wearing a skirt, Lies…"

"Don't care," she whispered, leaning in closer to him. "Kiss me."

"Kiss you?"

"Mhmm…" Liesa murmured, caressing his face with one hand, and running her fingers through his hair with the other.

"We shouldn't."

"Why not?"

"You're drunk."

"So are you."

"No, _I_ am _buzzed_. There's a difference."

"But you're pretty," Liesa whined. "And you're _such_ a great kisser."

"Lies, come on."

"Or we could go up to your room…"

"Liesa."

"What? We _are_ friends with benefits, aren't we?"

"Well… yeah."

"Then why can't we use the _benefits_ part right now?"

"Because you, my darling, are drunk."

"Your darling?" Liesa asked, furrowing her brows. A moment later, she brightened. "I like that."

Ross felt his heart racing. "R-really?"

"Mhmm. And I'm not just saying that so we can have sex. I mean it. Do you care about me, Ross?"

"Of course I do."

"You're not just saying that?"

"No, I mean it."

"Well… you're about the only one."

"Liesa, I'm sure that that isn't –"

Liesa kissed him quickly, cutting him off. "Yes, it is. My Mutti's dead, my Vati's a drunk, my ex is a douchebag, Alfons and Wil have this… thing. It's like, yeah, they like their friends, but it's always the two of them. And Douchebag said that it's always been that way. But you… actually care about me?"

"I do."

"Why?"

"Because you're absolutely wonderful, Liesa."

"Would you care about me even if we stopped having sex?"

"Yes, I would."

"What about if I got a boyfriend?"

"Liesa, _nothing_ is going to change the fact that I care about you, okay, Liebling?"

Liesa nodded slowly. "Okay. Do you promise?"

"Of course I do."

"Even when I'm old and ugly?"

"First of all, _you_ could _never _be ugly," Ross murmured as he cupped her cheek. "But yes. I'll still care about you even when you're old. I promise. And I don't break promises, Lies."

"Ross?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sleepy. Can we go up to your room?"

"And do what?"

"Sleep. Your bed's comfy."

"Okay. But only if you sleep, okay?"

Liesa nodded.

"No sex." _Not while you're drunk, anyway._

Liesa nodded again. "Okay. But I need something to sleep in."

"Okay. Do you think that you can walk upstairs?"

Liesa shook her head. "My head's too fuzzy."

"All right, then I'll just carry you, okay?"

"Mhmm."

"Liesa, I need you to unwrap your legs from around my waist."

"Can't you carry me like this?"

"…Not very well. I'd rather not drop you."

Liesa pouted. "Fine." She unwrapped her legs from around Ross's waist and sat down next to him.

Ross stood up, picked Liesa up bridal-style, and carried her upstairs to his room, putting her down on the bed. Then he went over to his wardrobe and pulled out two pairs of pajamas, handing on pair to Liesa.

"Here, Liebling," he said, kissing her on the top of her head.

"Thanks."

Ross changed while Liesa examined the pajamas that Ross had handed her.

"Ross?"

"Hmm?"

"Can you help me change?"

Ross really didn't think that Liesa needed help removing her clothes, but he helped her to undress anyway.

"I can't get this clasp," Liesa muttered, frowning. "Ross, can you help?"

"Sure," Ross murmured, undoing her bra. He kissed her cheek.

"You're really sweet," Liesa said. "Why don't you act like this in front of people?"

"What do you mean?" Ross asked, helping Liesa put the pajama shirt on.

"When we're in front of people, you act like you don't like me."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do. You're not as nice to me."

Ross kissed her cheek and buttoned up the shirt for her. "Would you like me to be nicer to you in public?"

Liesa nodded as she pulled on the pajama pants.

"Those are backwards, Liebling."

"Then you do it." Liesa pouted, pulling off the pants. Ross turned them over and put them back on her.

"You know what's weird," Liesa started, as she crawled under the covers, Ross following her.

"What?"

"We wear the same size, I think. Only you're taller. But you're not much taller."

"Really?"

"Mhmmm." Liesa wrapped her arms around Ross's chest. "You're warm."

"Thank you?"

"And you smell nice. Ross?"

"Yes?"

"Why couldn't you have been my boyfriend instead of Eduard?"

"I don't know, Liebling."

"…You wouldn't have hurt me, would you?"

"Never."

"And you're so nice… and you're pretty… and I just… I can't like you."

"Why not?"

"Because…"

"Why?"

"No one's going to hurt me like he did."

"Lies, you _do_ realise that shutting everyone out of your life isn't going to stop you from being hurt? And… you might miss out on something great if you won't let anyone inside those walls you have."

Liesa didn't respond, and Ross realised that she'd fallen asleep.

He wondered, vaguely, what would happen if someone found them tomorrow morning. He decided that it was a necessary risk, because almost anything was worth Liesa sleeping next to him.

* * *

**Note:** Iggy would like it to be said that she has never been drunk and has never been to Germany. As such, she's well aware that some of the information in this chapter may not be as accurate as it could be. Please excuse that. If you have any... revisions, I suppose, drop a review.  
Takes place the summer after "Type Four", which will be up at some point, but for now, can be found through a link on our profile. (Also, you can find a link to a list of which German characters are parallel to the Amestrian characters on our profile, as well).

Also, please vote on the poll that's on our profile~.


	4. It's Never That Easy, Though, Is It?

_Schadenfreude._  
**"It's Never That Easy, Though, Is It?"**  
**Characters:** Alphonse Elric, Alfons Heidrich, Wilhelmine Raskoph, Ross Muhlfeld  
**Pairings:** Alfons/Wilhelmine, implied Ross/Liesa, past Eduard/Wilhelmine  
**Word Count:** 1381

* * *

"I'm so glad that I don't have to walk home," Alphonse said as he entered Alfons's car, rubbing his hands together. The November air was brisk to say the least, and Alphonse was regretting leaving his hat and gloves at home. He was certain that this was going to be a _very_ cold winter.

Alfons smiled. "I know. I feel bad for the people who don't drive to class." Unlike Alphonse, however, he had remembered gloves and a hat – and was wearing a rather thick wool coat with a scarf.

"Me, too," Alphonse agreed.

Alfons drove the half-mile back to the apartment building, and parked in the back, as per usual.

Alphonse practically ran to the front, rubbing his hands together furiously. He stopped short, however, when he saw a girl standing outside their building – a girl who resembled Winry, in a way, and who was wearing clothes that were _not_ suited for the weather. She looked familiar, but Alphonse couldn't remember who she was until he heard Alfons's shout from behind him.

"Wilhelmine!" He ran over to the girl, talking to her in hurried German, while taking off his coat and putting it around her shoulders.

Only then did Alphonse notice the number of suitcases the girl had near her. He wondered why she didn't just wait in the café for Alfons to get home – it was certainly warmer than outside, and it was about five feet away.

"Al! Can you help me with these?" Alfons called, motioning to the suitcases.

Alphonse nodded, and went to go help his friend.

-x-x-x-

Once they were safely in Alfons's apartment – and _alone_ – Wil clung tightly to Alfons and began to cry.

"It's okay," Alfons assured her, though he really didn't see how it was, not with what she'd told him. "I'm here, Wil," he whispered, stroking her hair.

-x-x-x-

After Wilhelmine had calmed down, Alfons told her that she should probably take a warm bath, which the girl had only too gladly accepted.

Alfons thanked God that he was, by nature, a rather clean person. His bathroom was organised, and there were no dirty clothes in sight.

He told Wil to put her things in the study for now (they'd get it sorted out later), while he drew Wilhelmine's bath.

…And thought about what an idiotic asshole his brother could be at times.

Of course, he wasn't about to call Eduard to yell at him – not with Wil in the apartment, anyway.

…Wil was in his apartment. She was in his apartment and, from what she'd said, she had absolutely no desire to return to Germany without him. Did that mean that she was living with him?

More to the point, why did that thought fill him with some sort of perverse joy? Wil – his best friend – had just had a rather messy breakup with Eduard – his brother – and she was clearly upset. There was absolutely no reason to find any sort of happiness in that.

Still, Wil was living with _him_, not with Eduard. Gott, hadn't he wanted that for years? Hadn't he felt physically sick at the idea of Wil and Eduard living together? Why, then, was being happy that Wil was living with him wrong?

Alfons needed to think some things over. Luckily, he'd finished drawing Wil's bath, and went into the study to tell her so.

She looked a bit less miserable than she had – but still definitely upset. Even so, she offered him what looked like a genuine smile and a kiss on the cheek.

"Danke, mein Leibe."

…And there was that. She hadn't called him that since they were fifteen, when she started dating Eduard. He'd once asked her if Eduard was her love now, and received a laugh and a smile in return.

"_You_ will always be mein Leibe," Wilhelmine had assured him. "I'd never dare call Eduard that."

Alfons _really_ needed some time to think. What's more, he suspected that he should probably talk this out with someone – not Edward, certainly not, all he'd get was an "I told you so". There was Alphonse, which might work… were Alfons certain that Edward wouldn't hear a word of it (which he wasn't). He certainly wasn't about to ask Roy – the man either got cocky when it came to relationship advice, or, on occasion, mopey.

Ross might not be a bad person to call, though. He knew both Alfons and Wilhelmine well enough – and he was close friends with Eduard… but Alfons would have to call him now – it was nearly two in the afternoon, which would make it eight in Munich – and Ross and Liesa were usually_ occupied _very shortly after eight and unreachable for the remainder of the night.

Alfons found his cell phone and sat down on the couch, scrolling through his contacts until he found Ross's number. Pressing "send", he prayed that Ross wasn't occupied.

Fortunately, Ross picked up on the second ring. "I was wondering when you'd call. Eduard just ate me out of house and home and Liesa's locked herself in our room – and apparently Wilhelmine ran away?"

"She's here."

Ross breathed a sigh of relief. "Good. I don't know what the hell went on, but I'm pretty sure that Eduard would kill himself if something happened to Wil. She's pretty upset, I take it?"

"It took me almost two hours to calm her down."

"I've been trying to calm Liesa down for the past nine hours and no luck."

"…Why is _Liesa_ so upset?"

"I have no idea, she won't tell me; so you know that I'm worried right now."

Liesa _did_ tell Ross everything. That was just _weird_. "Eduard _didn't_ kill himself, did he?"

"No… he just drank two bottles of that garbage he calls liquor and passed out on my drawing room floor about an hour ago, and Liesa won't let me in our room."

"Fun night."

Ross half-laughed. "Tell me about it. So, any reason you called me as opposed to your brother?"

"Do you honestly think that I'd be capable of having a civil conversation with him right now? Wil just showed up on my doorstep _crying_ – and it's below freezing outside right now, and she wasn't even wearing a _coat_ – and then tells me that she and Eduard broke up and she needed a place to stay. I have _no idea_ what he did that was so horrible as to drive her out of Germany, and I'm not sure that I want to find out."

Ross considered it. "You've got one hell of a point. As far as I can gather, Wil broke up with him over something that he did, but that's all I know. And _Liesa won't let me in my bedroom_."

Alfons heard some muffled yelling on the other end, which certainly sounded like Liesa.

"I'm not going to sleep in the hall! Liesa, let me in!"

Some more yelling. Then Ross. "Look, Alfons, I'm going to have to let you go. I'll call you tomorrow – I have an audition around two, so I'll call you after that."

"Okay," Alfons agreed. "Good luck."

"Thanks. I'm going to need it."

Ross hung up and Alfons followed suit. Well, that didn't help at all. It had only served to make him miss his friends in Munich even more.

He decided to try to think this whole thing over himself, and, as such, was rather surprised when Wilhelmine came out of the bathroom wearing only a towel and sat down next to him, kissing him on the cheek.

"What's got you so pensive, mein Leibe?"

She didn't seem to care that from his position, Alfons could get a _very_ good look at her. Then again, Wil had never been one for modesty, and Alfons had never been one to stare.

"Nothing, it's just…" he trailed off and looked at Wil. She was looking at him intently – concerned. Why was _she_ concerned about _him_? She was the one who'd just gone through a messy breakup, not him. "Why would you leave Germany? You have friends there, they would have taken you in."

Wilhelmine tilted her head a bit in thought. "I suppose that I could have… but… you're my favourite person in the world, Alfons. And… I rather like the idea of starting over, as well."

That couldn't be it. It was just _too_ simple. Still, Alfons didn't push the subject further. Instead, he warned, "My neighbors randomly burst in here. You should probably get dressed, liebling."

Wil sighed. "If you insist. Though… we could always go into your room…"

She was offering to have _sex_ with him? She'd just broken up with his brother hours ago!

"N-no thank you, Wil."

Wilhelmine pouted. "I take it that you're still saving yourself?"

"Ä-äh…" Alfons stuttered. He _really_ didn't want to talk about this, not with _her_.

The girl in question giggled and kissed him, half on the cheek, half on the lips. "Will you at least agree to be my boyfriend, then?"

"Ä-äh… y-you _just_ broke up with Eduard, Wil…"

"And I don't love him. I love you. And I want _you_ to be my boyfriend."

Alfons's stomach flipped, and he was certain that he was blushing a rather brilliant shade of red.

Wil giggled again. "I'll give you a few minutes to think on it while I go get dressed, mein Liebe."

Alfons stared after her as she went into the study and closed the door behind her. Oh, yes, he _really_ needed to think things over.

* * *

**Note:** Iggy would like to say that this is her favourite ship in this entire story. She also loves Ross and Liesa together - due to the amazing dynamic that they have - and regrets to inform the readers that Italia told her to stop writing so much of Ross and Liesa (due to the noticeable lack of _canon_ characters in this fic). Really, they do have a _wonderful_ dynamic. At this point, she feels compelled to tell you, the relationship between Ross and Liesa isn't _drastically_ different than it was in the last chapter - only that Liesa actually openly trusts and cares about Ross, really. They're still not _together_, but, due to events that we promise will be revealed, they live together. Also, um, yeah. Eduard likes bad alcohol, and we mean _bad_ alcohol. (Though, admittedly, Ross is a bit of a culinary snob - and this extends to alcohol and liquor). Also, Roy Mustang is short. ...It's true. He's 5'8" in canon, I kid you not. ...Iggy felt compelled to share that information. Now she's off to work on her AP US History homework.


	5. Just Another Day

_Schadenfreude._  
**"Just Another Day"**  
**Characters:** Edward Elric, Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye, Alphonse Elric, Alfons Heidrich, Ling Yao, Olivier Armstrong  
**Pairings:** Roy/Riza  
**Word Count:** 1105

* * *

Edward had never in his life seen Mustang or Hawkeye drunk before. …Needless to say, it was quite an… experience.

Really, he hadn't thought that Hawkeye would ever _get_ drunk, _especially_ not when Edward himself was only what he'd call "well-buzzed". Around eight, Edward stumbled up to his apartment, where he took measures to be certain that he wouldn't wake up with a hangover the next morning. Even if he didn't _want_ this new job, it didn't mean that he wanted to come in with a hangover on his first day.

Jean Havoc had planned on staying glued to Riza's side – he didn't want her to end up in some random (or… okay, maybe _not_ so random) guy's bed. He was assured, as always, that he and Riza wouldn't do anything; she was practically his _sister_, for God's sake! The idea of doing _anything_ with her was enough to make him nauseated!

However, his adamancy faltered a bit with each drink, and when a voluptuous brunette (who looked vaguely familiar) came on to him, he gladly followed her back to her place; leaving Riza in the care of Roy for the night.

Roy had lost none of his charm; nevertheless, he and Riza had both lost their judgment, as was evidenced by Roy's charming smirk – which made Riza falter.

"Riza. You are drunk. I feel compelled to walk you home," Roy slurred toward midnight.

Riza accepted, though whether or not she was aware that "home" was just upstairs wasn't obvious.

Still, she allowed Roy to take her arm and guide her next door and upstairs.

They were outside of Roy's apartment when he kissed her. Kissing slowly turned to a rather sloppy make-out session, which led Roy to smirk and invite her in. She accepted enthusiastically, neither of them thinking on it.

The next morning, Riza awoke with a horrible hangover. She noticed that she was in Roy's bed, and that the man in question was wrapped around her, his arms wrapped around her torso.

Well, shit. It's been ten years and this always seemed to happen. She'd asked Jean to stay with her – why hadn't he? She knew the answer, of course. He'd met some pretty girl downstairs and gone back to her place. Typical Jean.

Roy stirred a bit, shifting his weight.

"Riza?"

Riza felt her face flush. "I… apologise for my actions last night, sir. They were unprofessional at best."

Roy blinked, rubbing his eyes. "What are you apologising for? What happened last night was perfectly natural."

"How is _this_ –" – she motioned toward their exposed bodies – "natural?"

"Sex isn't natural? Especially when both parties are highly intoxicated?"

"_Us_ doing this is unnatural," Riza clarified.

"It's really not, Riza."

"I thought that we agreed to stop doing this."

"To be fair, I never _agreed_ to that."

Riza sighed. "Just… turn around while I get dressed," she muttered, disentangling herself from Roy.

"Why? It's not like I haven't seen it before," Roy grumbled.

Riza glared fiercely at him. "Excuse me?"

"But if you want me to turn around, I'll most gladly oblige," Roy assured her.

While Riza was getting dressed, Roy couldn't help himself from stealing glances at her; unfortunately for him, Riza caught him and glared at him vehemently. Roy grabbed the blankets from the bottom of the bed and hid beneath them like a small child.

"You haven't matured at all since we were teenagers, have you?"

Roy poked his head out and pouted at her. "Of course I have."

"How? I don't see it."

"That's because you concentrate on all of my flaws."

"You have a lot of them, sir."

"And stop calling me '_sir_'!"

-x-x-x-

Alphonse woke up to the sound of his cell phone ringing. Groping his nightstand, he flipped his phone open, and answered it with a groggy, "Hello?"

"Hey, Al, where are you? Class starts in ten minutes."

It took Alphonse a few moments to comprehend his friend's statement in his groggy state. "…What? What time is it?"

There was a pause, like Alfons was checking his watch. "Eight-oh-five."

"…Shit; I must've slept through my alarm. I'll be there as soon as possible," Alphonse promised.

"You'd better hurry," Alfons warned before handing up.

Alphonse, realising that he had no time to get a shower, stumbled to his dresser and donned the first t-shirt and pair of jeans that he pulled out. He grabbed his backpack and shoved his feet into some flip-flops (oh, thank _god_ that it was still warm out) and ran out the front door, shouting a quick goodbye to Winry, who was in the kitchen.

He figured that, given his rush and the fact that he wasn't wearing sneakers, he should probably take the elevator, which he just caught as the doors were closing.

Ling Yao and Olivier Armstrong were already in the lift.

Ling smirked when he saw Al. "You know, I thought that _Ed_ was the lazy one."

Alphonse caught sight of himself in the reflective metal of the lift door. He looked… well, like he'd overslept and rushed to get ready. Self-conscious, he attempted to flatten his hair.

"Yeah, well, my alarm didn't go off."

"Sure you weren't at the bar all night with Mustang and them?"

Olivier snorted. "Ever the unprofessional."

"Why would I be at the bar? I'm nineteen."

"Please; they never check for IDs."

"I have class today; I knew that last night. Why would I go out drinking?"

"Because that's what American college guys are _supposed_ to do?"

Al rolled his eyes. "Not me."

"So, what, you _never_ drink?"

"I didn't say that. I don't get _drunk_; there is a difference."

"Sure, there is."

Alphonse decided on ignoring Ling rather than replying. The lift reached the ground floor and Al looked at his watch before glancing at Olivier.

"Major General Armstrong?"

"Yes?"

"…You wouldn't happen to be going past the math and sciences building of the university on your way to work this morning, would you?"

-x-x-x-

Roy stumbled into work ten minutes late, obviously hung-over. His students had already filed into homeroom and were chattering excitedly.

"If you don't want to be written up before your first class, I'd recommend that you _shut up_," Roy growled.

The students, realising that he was quite serious, fell silent rather quickly.

This was _not_ going to be a good day. On top of that, Roy needed coffee. …Well, time to see if Riza had forgiven him yet.

-x-x-x-

Alphonse sat down in an empty seat next to Alfons as the professor stood up and began outlining the class.

"Impressive," Alfons whispered.

"I owe Major General Armstrong fifty bucks."

* * *

**Note:** Iggy is way too obsessed with next to normal, and there are definitely going to be some more subtle references later on (as opposed to a chapter title). Also, we apologise that this chapter is so short and took so long. School and whatnot (not to mention Iggy's RPs...). Anyway, here's where we get the first bit of actual Royai.

If you have any questions, please pose them in our** forum**, which can be found on our profile page. While you're on our profile page, please take your time to vote in the **poll**. In the forum, please take some time to fill out the **survey** that we have posted. The forum also has some links to extra chapters, character descriptions, and extra goodies that you won't get anywhere else, so please check it out.

That being said, the next chapter is almost finished, so it should be up in two weeks or less.


	6. Letter Bomb

_Schadenfreude_  
**"Letter Bomb"**  
**Characters:** Edward Elric, Alfons Heidrich, Wilhelmine Raskoph  
**Pairings:** implied Alfons/Wilhelmine, mentioned Edward/Winry, mentioned Eduard/Wilhelmine  
**Chapter Rating:** T+  
**Word Count:** 2,154

* * *

"Mail for you, Heidrich. Looks like a card." Edward threw the envelope on his roommate's bed.

"Thanks." The taller blonde examined the envelope. "It's from Wil."

"Great. So I was thinking that I'd go home this weekend, but here's the thing. Al refuses to go down to Dublith. And he hates being in the apartment when Winry and I –"

"Is there a point to this? Because I _really_ don't want to know about your sex life."

"Well, I was thinking that maybe you could come, and you and Al could go do something nerdy. You're both geeks."

"And you're not?"

"No; I'm not. I'm a brilliant chemist-in-training who happens to love books and reading and libraries and science and museums and stuff."

"Right," Alfons drawled.

"I'll ignore that sarcasm. But anyway, you in?"

"What makes you so sure that I'll get along with your brother?"

"Alphonse. His name is Alphonse, though _everyone_ calls him Al. And you're both… well, you're a lot alike actually. You both love science, and cats, and that Japanese crap, and old books."

"There are a lot of people who share those interests, you know."

"I know. But you and Al _are_ a lot alike. I mean, you even have the same name! Just… slightly different spelling and pronunciation."

Alfons rolled his eyes. "If you_ tell _your brother and girlfriend that you're dragging me along, I'll go."

Edward grinned. "Great! If you'll excuse me, I need to call them."

"What about your cell phone?"

"…I lost it."

Alfons rolled his eyes as Edward left the room.

He flipped the envelope over in his hands a few times. Ed was right; it _did_ look like it was a card. Though his birthday wasn't for another week and a half… and Wilhelmine usually just sent his card and present along with the package that his brother, Eduard, would inevitably send.

Yet the handwriting was unmistakably Wilhelmine's… not to mention her name and Eduard's address as the return address. They'd moved in together? When had that happened? Wil had never mentioned that, and it wasn't like they didn't talk enough. Video-chat once a day and sporadic phone calls throughout every day… she could have _mentioned_ it.

The idea of Wilhelmine and Eduard living together… _sharing a bed_… it made Alfons feel slightly nauseas, hurt, and _lonely_… (though he was trying his hardest to ignore the sensation that his heart had just been ripped from his chest; _that_ particular feeling would not get the satisfaction to be consciously recognised). It had been inevitable, which only made Alfons feel like an idiot for being so affected by it. It wasn't like Wil was going to wait around for him forever…

Now that he thought on it, Wil and Eduard had a habit of telling him potentially upsetting news near his birthday or Christmas, though it usually occurred _months_ earlier, neither of them being able to bear telling him before they had to.

Alfons shook the thought from his head. It was really no use getting upset here and now over something so inevitable – not when he was halfway across the world; had he been living in Munich, the situation would be different… though had he been living in Munich, it probably would have been _him_ that Wil had moved in with.

Alfons forced his attention back to the envelope itself. She'd dotted the 'i's in Heidrich with hearts, like she always had. Bitterly, Alfons wondered if she did that when she wrote Eduard's name now.

…That wasn't helping. He turned the envelope over and opened it.

Edward had been right; it was a card. It seemed like an ordinary birthday card, until Alfons opened it.

Pictures spilt out onto his lap. Pictures of Wil. Pictures of Wil wearing almost nothing.

Oh, Gott.

Why in the world would she do _that_?

Alfons gathered up the pictures and turned them over. He looked at the card: a generic 'happy birthday' greeting, with a handwritten note from Wil nearly covering the entire interior of the card.

He read through it, and found that it was just a _very_ long birthday wish in which Wil told him how much she missed him, and how much she wanted him to come visit (and that they didn't need to be with Eduard if he didn't want to; it could be just the two of them, like old times). It made _no_ mention of the completely… _inappropriate_ pictures that she'd enclosed.

Alfons turned the pictures over to look at them. Well… at least there weren't any pictures of her wearing _absolutely_ nothing. Though… that lace… _thing_ **really** didn't cover much.

Gott, why would she take these and send them to him?

…More importantly, who _took_ the pictures?

Actually, that one wasn't such a mystery; it was probably Liesa. Alfons wouldn't have been surprised if Liesa had _given_ her the idea. Ross had told him about those pictures…

Still, he had half a mind to call her. He glanced at his clock. It was only two-thirty. That meant that it was eight-thirty in Munich… Wil would certainly still be awake. Whether or not she'd be… _occupied_ was a different matter.

Edward reentered the room at that point. "Yo! Winry and Al say it's cool if you come with me." Edward waited for a response, and frowned slightly when there wasn't one. "Heidrich? Hey, Alfons? You okay?"

What were those pictures that he was so absorbed with?

"What are those?"

No response. Edward rolled his eyes and went over to Alfons's bed and tried to look at the pictures.

What he saw were rather _provocative _pictures of a _very_ pretty blonde girl.

"Wow… is that Wilhelmine?"

Alfons nodded numbly.

"Dude, she's _hot_."

"…Don't you have a girlfriend?"

"Well, yeah, and Winry's hot, too, but she's never sent me pictures like that… I think she'd try to kill me if I tried to _take_ pictures of her like that."

"Ed, shut up."

"I'm serious."

"I know you are. However, Wilhelmine is _dating my brother."_

"Oh. …Well, she obviously likes you."

"Likes torturing me is more like it," Alfons muttered.

"Nah. If you ask me, she's just trying to get you to ask her to come over here and live with you."

"What? No, I don't think that's what she's trying to do." _Especially since she's apparently moved in with my brother…_

"You just wait."

Alfons rolled his eyes. "Äh… hold on, I need to call her."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever."

Edward flopped down on his own bed as Alfons grabbed his phone and dialed Wilhelmine's number.

She picked up after just two rings. "Hallo?"

"Wil?"

"Oh, hallo, Alfons!"

"I got your card today," Alfons began (in German, primarily to be sure that his roommate wouldn't eavesdrop).

"Oh? What did you think?"

"Did you move in with Eduard?"

There was a rather long pause on the other end. "I'm sorry. He talked me into it."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Alfons asked, trying to keep his tone from sounding absolutely hurt and a bit pathetic, though he failed horribly.

"I'm sorry. Eduard thought that it might upset you."

"I'm not a kid. And I'm really _sick_ of finding out important things like this so long after they happen."

"You're upset."

"Clearly."

"Would it have been better if we had told you when it happened?"

"It still would have hurt, clearly, but not as much, no."

"I'm sorry."

"Is there anything else that I should know? Are you two engaged? Are you pregnant? Or are you two married already, because it really wouldn't surprise me if you were and hadn't told me."

"No! None of that! And we're not keeping _everything_ from you! Ed's just paranoid that any developments in our relationship would hurt you!"

"That doesn't mean that the two of you have to _hide it from me!_"

"I'm sorry, Alfons. It's not like I don't wish it were you I'm living with."

"Please don't say things like that, Wil."

"I'm sorry."

"…It's fine."

"I really _am_ sorry for hurting you."

"I know."

"So what did you think of the photographs?"

"W-why did you send those to me?" Alfons was sure that his face was a bright red (due to Edward's laughing) even though he knew that Wilhelmine couldn't see it.

"I just wanted to get you something that I thought that you'd like." There was no malice to her voice. No laughter. Just… sincerity. Why the hell did Wilhelmine think that he wanted half-naked pictures of her?

"Wil…" His tone was exasperated. Well, at least her intentions had been good.

"What? It's not like you're ten years old, Alfons. I thought that maybe you might like some… well, slutty pictures of me."

"You're dating my brother."

"So?"

"So I can't exactly look at naked pictures of my brother's girlfriend!"

"So you _did_ like them!"

"Wil, come on."

"Don't worry; Eduard's never seen them. He has no idea that they exist. Liesa took the actual pictures."

Alfons had been right, though he felt little to no satisfaction in it. "Wil… I just don't think that this is an appropriate gift for your boyfriend's brother…"

"You're my best friend."

"And you're mine, Wil, but that doesn't make it any more _appropriate_."

"I would be married to you in under a month if you hadn't gotten sick, you know that?"

Alfons wasn't so sure about that, but the idea was rather appealing. "You said that when you were fifteen."

"That doesn't make it any less true! And, hell, if I hadn't been so stupid, I probably would still be getting ready to marry you right now."

"Wil, please _don't_."

"Right. Of course," Wil murmured.

"Well… I'll let you go."

"Okay."

"Goodbye."

"I'll talk to you tomorrow. Alfons?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too, Wil. Good night."

"Good night, Alfons."

Alfons hung up and saw Edward staring at him. "Yes?"

"My German may not be the best… but isn't 'ich liebe dich' 'I love you'?"

"…You speak German?"

"Some basic German, yeah. I took it in high school."

"…Scheiße."

"Relax, I couldn't make that much out. I just heard 'brother' a lot, and the 'I love you' at the end."

"Friends aren't allowed to tell each other that they love them?"

"Not in that tone."

"Listen, it's –"

"So what's the deal with her? I thought that you were just childhood friends?"

"We are."

"Then why are you telling her that you love her? And why is she sending you pictures of herself wearing slutty lingerie?"

"It's… complicated."

"I'm pretty smart; I think I'd be able to follow."

"Why are you so interested in my personal life all of a sudden?"

"Because a girl just sent you pictures of her wearing slutty lingerie. And that girl is your so-called best friend."

"And?"

"And… you actually don't seem all that turned on by them."

"I'm trying to forget that they exist."

"Why?"

"_Why_? Because I've been in love with her since I was eight years old and she's _living with my brother_!"

"The girl that I've been in love with since I was a kid is living with my brother, too."

"Yes, but she's _your_ girlfriend, not his, and is probably not having sex with him."

"Point taken." Edward seemed to consider something for a moment. "Why don't you just tell your brother how much you like her? I mean, hell, as much as I love Winry, I'd do anything for Al – if he loved her, I'd back off."

"It's not that easy."

"I think it is."

Alfons shook his head. "It's not. Eduard's done so much for me – I'd be dead right now if it wasn't for him; he really loves Wil, too. Besides, he was there when she was upset, and I wasn't."

"But that wasn't your fault, was it?"

"No, but that's beside the point."

"Doesn't seem like it. Why was she so upset?"

"I was _dying_."

"You were _dying_, and so she decided to go out with your _brother_?"

"It's fine."

"How is that _fine_?" Edward asked. "I'd be really pissed off if I were you. It sounds like they both betrayed you."

"It's not like that," Alfons protested weakly. It was _exactly _like that, but he wasn't about to let Edward know that – he'd only just met the other boy less than a month ago; he wasn't about to tell him something like that.

"Then what _is _it like?"

"Eduard and I both liked her, and he made a move before I did. That's it." It wasn't, but, again, Edward didn't need to know that. He didn't need to know that Wilhelmine had sworn that she loved him – before deciding to go out with Eduard simply because he was _there_. He didn't need to know that Alfons _had_ made a move on her before Eduard had – just that he was leaving for America the next morning.

Some things are better left unsaid, anyway.

* * *

**Note:** This was written for Denial Day on the 8th-9th, but we, er... kind of forgot to post it. So have the sixth anachronistic chapter of this story a bit later than intended. Yes, yes, it's angsty, we know. As per usual, be sure to check out the forum, vote in the poll if you haven't already, and do the survey we have for the readers on the forum. And, actually, check the forum out anyway, because Iggy is compiling a list of character songs, which should be fun.


	7. Here Comes My Baby

_Schadenfreude_  
**"Here Comes My Baby"**  
**Characters:** Roy Mustang, Basque Grand, Riza Hawkeye  
**Pairings:** Roy/Riza  
**Chapter Rating:** T  
**Word Count:** 914

* * *

**Ishval. 1998.**  
**Undisclosed Military Headquarters; Major Roy Mustang's unit.**

"Major Mustang!"

"General Grand. To what do I owe the honour?" A wry smile played upon his lips. He didn't want to be here. He wanted to go back home to Central City, and maybe, just _maybe_ hunt down Riza and see what she was up to. What he wouldn't give to see her smile again, to hold her close to him, to feel her lips on his –

"New recruit. Your unit just lost a sniper, yes?"

"Yes, sir." _To an American bullet, but that's beside the point, isn't it, General?_

"This is Second Lieutenant Hawkeye. She graduated top of the class – best field stripper and highest accuracy as well. Just what you need."

Mustang ignored Grand's implications. Hawkeye? That wasn't a common name. Looking the second lieutenant over… her head was bowed; he couldn't see her face. Why was she hiding her face?

"Well, Major?"

"She'll do just fine. Thank you, General."

Salutes. Grand left, leaving Mustang alone with Second Lieutenant Hawkeye.

"This isn't a war, you know. It's a massacre. We're just pawns in this. That's how my last sniper went. He refused to continue to be a pawn. And I can't believe that _you_, of all people…"

"Sir?"

"What's your first name, Second Lieutenant?"

"Riza, sir."

"Riza Hawkeye. That's not a very common name, Second Lieutenant."

"No, sir."

"I once knew a girl named Riza. She was absolutely beautiful. I was going to marry her, you know. But then she stopped speaking to me. After she graduated high school, she just… stopped. I called her, stopped by her house, asked around… it was like she'd fallen off the face of the earth. No one had seen her or heard anything about her. I was going to _marry_ this girl and she all but disappeared. And you know the strangest part? Her father used to work at the high school that we'd both attended. He resigned, and seemed to drop off the face of the earth as well. That was three years ago."

"Sir, I –"

"How old are you, Second Lieutenant?"

"Twenty years old, sir."

"Any family?"

"No, sir."

"None?"

"I think I may have some relatives living on my mother's side, sir, but I've never met them. My mother left her family to marry my father. They're both deceased now."

"No siblings?"

"No, sir. I was an only child."

"When did your father die?"

"Three years ago, sir."

"Where are you from, Second Lieutenant?"

"It's a relatively small town… I doubt you'd know it."

"Try me."

"Well, originally, I'm from a town called Osten. But when my mother died, my father made me move to a nearby city."

"What's the name of the city?"

"Central City, sir."

"What a coincidence."

"Sir?"

"The Riza that I knew – the girl that I was going to marry – was from a small town called Osten, and later relocated to Central City – where I lived – after her mother died."

Second Lieutenant Hawkeye said nothing.

"You share her name, her age, her history… the only thing that's stopping me from believing that _you're_ her is that I can't imagine that my Riza would ever fight in a war as dirty as this."

"Sir, believe me when I tell you that this isn't my prerogative."

"I'm sure."

There was a long, uncomfortable silence.

"Why didn't you return my calls?"

The façade of commander was gone; in its place was a confused (and hurt) young man.

"My father…"

"What? What did he do to you?"

Ignoring decorum, Mustang approached Hawkeye and grabbed her hands, holding them close to him. "Tell me."

"I can't."

"I order you to tell me."

When she didn't respond, Mustang freed his right hand so that he could gently tilt her head upward with the intention that she would meet his eyes. He caressed her cheek, softly, still not sure if he should believe that this was _her_.

"Roy – Major Mustang, sir…"

He shushed her. "Please don't. I've been waiting for this moment for three years, Riza, please."

"This isn't proper."

She didn't push him away, or make any attempt to deter him. Instead, she leaned in to his touch.

"I've missed you."

"I've missed you, too."

"I love you so much."

"I love you, too… but…"

"No 'but's. We're going to make up for lost time."

"That wouldn't be proper."

"Does it look like I care? Worst case is that we'll both be dishonourably discharged… and I don't know about you, but I can't _wait_ to get the hell out of here."

"They won't –"

He kissed her, not allowing her to finish her sentence. And she kissed him back. His hands trailed all over her body, wanting her out of those fatigues and into his bed as soon as possible.

Though not now. Anyone could walk in, and he didn't want to risk being separated from her so soon after their reunion. So, reluctant, he pulled away.

"Second Lieutenant Hawkeye."

"Yes, sir?"

"You are to report back here at 2100 hours. We'll finish this then."

"Yes, sir!"

* * *

**Note:** Iggy wishes to inform the readers that she is not in JROTC, nor does she know much about the military, and as such, encourages you to share any advice or corrections that you may have.

And so we have some more Royai. Don't worry, their past will be explained in due time. Next, however, is an indirect continuation of chapter five ("Just Another Day"), and involves all of the staff of Amestris High, with some guests. It also highlights the first time Edward meets Wilhelmine, so, really, it can't be missed.

...Iggy also promises to try to stop the song-title chapter titles. She's just not... very good at creative titles, really.


	8. From Bad to Worse

_Schadenfreude_  
**"From Bad to Worse"**  
**Characters:** Alfons Heidrich, Wilhelmine Raskoph, Edward Elric, Winry Rockbell, Maes Hughes, Roy Mustang, King Bradley, Van Hohenheim, Kain Fuery (mentioned)  
**Pairings:** Alfons/Wilhelmine, Ed/Winry, implied Roy/Riza, mentioned Hughes/Gracia, mentioned past Hohenheim/Trisha  
**Chapter Rating:** T+  
**Word Count:** 1,974

* * *

"Wilhelmine… I really don't think…"

"What?" Wilhelmine asked, still trailing kisses down his neck, his chest…

"Please… please stop. _Please_."

Wilhelmine obliged, not seeming happy about being made to just _stop_. "What is it?"

"I need some time to think."

"Why? I love you; you love me… don't you?"

"_What?_ Of course I do! Why would you think otherwise? I just think that we're moving a bit… fast."

"Fast? How?"

"_How_? Wilhelmine, we haven't even gone on a date yet!"

"Dates are overrated," Wilhelmine whispered, running her fingers down his chest.

"_Wilhelmine._ This is too fast… I'm sorry."

"Don't tell me that you don't want this as much as I do."

"Wilhelmine, _please_. I just… think that it would be much better if we went on a few dates first."

"But you do want this…?"

"_Yes,_ my _God_, Wilhelmine, _yes_, I want this. But… I'm just… I don't think I'm ready for this yet, so can we take this slow?"

Wilhelmine smiled. "That's all you had to say, Alfons."

For a few moments, there was silence, during which Wilhelmine took to playing with Alfons's hair.

"Alfons?"

"Yes?"

"A kiss wouldn't be moving too fast, would it? Just a kiss, that's all."

"I… I don't think so, no."

Without any hesitation, Alfons moved in closer to Wilhelmine and pressed his lips to hers.

At that moment, the door to the apartment flew open, and Edward walked into the room. "Hey Alfons, can I borrow a tie again? I –"

As soon as Alfons realised that someone had entered the room, he pulled away from Wilhelmine.

"W-wh-wha?"

Alfons turned to see Edward gaping at them and sputtering.

"Hei… HEIDIRCH!"

Alfons jumped, eyes wide. "What?"

"_Why were you MAKING OUT WITH MY GIRLFRIEND!_"

"Girlfriend? Ed, this isn't Winry."

"YOU EXPECT ME TO _BELIEVE_ THAT?"

"Seeing as it _isn't_ Winry, _yes_, I _do_ expect you to believe me!"

"THEN WHO THE HELL _IS _SHE? SHE LOOKS A_ HELL_ OF A LOT LIKE WINRY!"

"This is _Wilhelmine_. She's a friend of mine from Germany."

"Oh _really_?"

"Really, Ed. I'm sure she has her passport if you need proof."

"Stay here," Edward ordered, glaring at Alfons before leaving the apartment.

"Äh…?"

"That's Edward. He and I were roommates when we were both in university, when we became friends. Right now, though, I'm pretty sure that he's ready to kill me."

"Why?"

"I didn't tell you?"

"Obviously not, Alfons."

"You look a lot like Ed's girlfriend, Winry."

"Oh. And he thinks that I'm her?"

"Apparently."

"HEIDRICH!"

"Stop yelling, Ed. You're giving me a headache."

"Do you want to tell me why Winry's not in our apartment?"

"This is ridiculous," Alfons muttered. "Look. She's probably at work. I'll call her, all right?"

Before Edward could protest, Alfons grabbed his cell phone and called Winry.

"Hello?"

"Winry! Thank God!"

"…What happened?"

"Hold on. Talk to Ed for a minute."

"Ohhkayyy…"

Alfons handed the phone to Edward.

"Winry? Oh. It _is_ you. So… Hei – _Alfons_ isn't lying. Heh. …Shit. I'll call you back later, all right? Okay. Yeah, yeah. No, I didn't do anything! All right. Fine. I love you, too. Bye."

Edward shut the phone and looked back to Alfons. "So you weren't lying."

"Of course not. Why would I kiss Winry?"

"Are you insinuating that she's not attractive?"

"I'm insinuating that she's your _girlfriend_, has been since you were seventeen, and is _in love with you_. Besides… I …love Wilhelmine."

Ed's jaw dropped. "Oh, _this_ is Wilhelmine?"

"Yes. Didn't you come here for something, Ed?"

"Oh yeah. I wanted to borrow a tie. Preferably red. Bradley's making all of the staff go out for dinner tonight at some fancy restaurant."

Alfons rolled his eyes. "Sure," he muttered before going back to his room.

"So… _you're_ the Wilhelmine Raskoph that Alfons always talks about?"

"Äh… I don't know about Alfons always talking about me, but I _am_ Wilhelmine Raskoph."

"Well, you're the same Wilhelmine that grew up with him, aren't you?"

"Yes…"

"…He said that you were his brother's girlfriend."

"I _was_, but we broke up."

"Oh. Do you love him? Alfons, I mean."

Wilhelmine looked highly offended. "Of course I love him!"

"But are you _in_ love with him?"

"Yes!"

"Just… don't hurt him, all right? He's my best friend. Well, Alfons and my brother, Alphonse, are both my best friends. And Winry, of course, but… you get the point."

"Yes…"

"It's just… Alfons has _never_ had a girlfriend before. Girls like _him_, sure, but he's never returned their interest. For a while I thought that he was gay, to be honest. But then he started talking about _you_, and… he really loves you. And if you break his heart… I'll sic Mei on you."

"Mei?"

"Al's – my brother, Al's – girlfriend. She was some sort of martial arts prodigy when she was a little kid."

"Oh. Don't worry, I won't break Alfons's heart."

"Good."

"Hey, sorry I took so long… but the only ties I could find were blue and green so it took me a while to find this one." Alfons handed Edward a red tie.

"Thanks!"

"You should really just _buy_ a damn red tie."

"Nah, too much effort. Hey. Alfons?"

"You need me to tie it for you?"

Edward grinned. "You know you're my best friend, right?"

Alfons rolled his eyes. "Come here," he instructed. Edward did as he was told and allowed Alfons to tie his tie for him.

"Thanks. You know I'm not really good at ties."

"Just don't cause a huge scene, please. And if Elysia's there… don't throw a fit if she insults you, okay? She's a kid. And actually, that goes for everyone."

"…You, Winry, and Al all say the same thing when I go out."

"Because you need reminding, perhaps?"

"I don't need reminding," Edward muttered. "But… I should probably tell Winry that she should come. Bradley'll be pissed off at me otherwise."

"And what time is this?"

"Six. It's four now, but Professor Bastard's dragging me out for some reason…"

Alfons rolled his eyes. "Call Winry now and tell her."

Ed grinned. "You think I'll forget?"

"Honestly? Yes."

"Fine, fine, I'll call her. See you later, Alfons. Nice meeting you, Wilhelmine."

As soon as Edward had left, Alfons turned to Wilhelmine. "I'm sorry about Edward. He's a little bit… insane. In a good way."

Wilhelmine looked doubtful.

-x-x-x-

Edward wondered why Havoc always insisted on going to Devil's Nest. Surely there were better places to go out with the guys. (Then again, he reminded himself, this was _Amestris_. It had bars and a mall, but not much else in the ways of entertainment).

Still, didn't it defeat the purpose of going out with the _guys_ when certain people (Havoc) hit incessantly on girls? Not to mention Hughes constantly badgering Edward, Roy, and, surprisingly, Kain, to get girlfriends – or, in Ed's case, get married.

"Hughes, I'm twenty-one. I'm not getting married just yet. Why don't you talk to the man who's over thirty?"

Hughes laughed good-naturedly and turned to harass Roy.

Really, Ed just wondered why Mustang always dragged him out like this.

-x-x-x-

"Winry?" Edward asked, walking into the apartment. "Are you ready?"

"Almost! I'm in the bedroom!"

Edward entered the bedroom to find Winry applying some makeup. She was wearing a simple black strapless dress that was about knee length as well as black strappy heels.

"How do I look?"

"Beautiful, as always."

Winry rolled her eyes, but blushed a little nonetheless. "How was… where did you and Roy go again?"

Edward flushed slightly, rubbing the back of his neck. "Havoc dragged us all to Devil's Nest."

"Did you have fun?"

"Hanging out with Professor Bastard? It was torture."

Winry rolled her eyes. "

-x-x-x-

"Hey, Fullmetal, Winry."

Ed rolled his eyes. Winry would _kill_ him if he weren't polite. _It's just for tonight, anyway_, Ed assured himself. _How hard can it be to be polite for one night?_

"Hello Professor Mustang," Winry greeted, shaking his hand.

"Please, Winry, it's Roy."

Winry smiled. "Of course, I'm sorry. It's just habit. And Mr. and Mrs. Hughes, hello! This must be Elysia!"

Winry walked off to talk to the Hugheses and Edward rolled his eyes. "Great, now she's going to be talking about how adorable Elysia is for the rest of the night."

"Not ready for kids yet, Fullmetal?"

"Hell no."

Roy laughed. "Don't worry. I don't think Winry's ready yet, either."

That piqued Ed's interest. "What do you mean?"

"She's how old? Twenty? She's not married yet, and she spends the majority of her time at work or with you and Alphonse. Trust me; she's not ready for kids quite yet."

"How do _you_ know that, Professor Bastard?"

"You act as if I've never had a girlfriend in my life, Fullmetal."

"A _serious_ girlfriend?"

"I went out with the same girl for just over four years."

"Why'd you break up? I mean, for a girl to tolerate you for so long…"

"She had… family issues."

"So she broke up with you?"

"Her father essentially _kidnapped_ her, Fullmetal."

"…Oh." An awkward silence followed, which Edward attempted to break by asking, "What about Hawkeye?"

"What do you mean?" Roy asked. He sounded suspicious, which struck Edward as a little odd, but the blonde shrugged it off.

"I mean Hawkeye's in her thirties, isn't she? Doesn't she want kids?"

"How do you expect me to know that?"

"Please, Mustang. Everyone knows you're in love with her."

"You've been spending too much time with Hughes."

-x-x-x-

The night had been going fine so far. Mustang had apparently decided against harassing Edward, and Winry wasn't squealing over Elysia (well, no more than usual).

Bradley wasn't late, and the food was really excellent.

Edward should have known that it wouldn't last.

About halfway through the appetizers, Bradley smiled. "Ah, our guest of honour has arrived."

Edward glanced up and felt the world stop briefly.

It was that _bastard_. The one person that he hated more than _anyone_ else in the world. What the fuck was the meaning of this?

Van Hohenheim didn't seem to notice Edward immediately, all the better. Edward felt Winry's hand clasp his underneath the table, gently reassuring.

"Mr. Hohenheim will be joining our staff next marking period. He's replacing our former psychology teacher Mr. Kimbley. He's also graciously agreed to teach a course on the Holocaust next semester, being something of an expert."

What? No, there had to be some mistake. There was no way this bastard came back to Amestris to teach _high school_. Of all the ridiculous ideas…

Bradley seemed to notice Ed's unease. "Is there a problem, Mr. Elric?"

_Yes_, Edward wanted to scream. There was a _huge_ problem! Namely the fact that the bastard who had left him, his little brother, and his sick mother to fend for themselves with no good reason.

Perhaps they weren't fending for themselves… after all, their mother didn't work, and Pinako never mentioned where those checks he knew she'd gotten had come from. There was no way that Pinako could have afforded to send Ed to such a good school – and Al and Winry to the colleges of their choice, as well – without any support. But if the bastard had been sending money… why didn't he say anything?

Ed noticed everyone (or most everyone) looking at him expectantly.

"It's a personal problem that can be resolved another time," he heard Winry say from beside him. "Isn't that right, Ed?"

_No_, no it wasn't. Edward wanted to beat that bastard's face in with his automail fist. But… Winry was right. It could be settled another time. Besides, he'd told Al and Alfons both that he wouldn't cause a scene… what else would punching out that bastard in a five-star restaurant be called?

Ed nodded. "Yeah, another time."

…This was going to be a long dinner.

* * *

**Note:** FFFFFF The homunculi were supposed to be in this chapter, but I couldn't fit them in. I'm sorry! They should be in one of the next few, though, hopefully. And Alfons and Wil actually getting together. Yey. Eventually there will be a chapter chronicling their first date, but as it stands, chapters 9-20 are all booked up. (But that also means that we've written most of them~!) As always, check the forum (we have character songs), vote in the poll if you haven't, and tell us what you think! Thanks for reading!


	9. J'ai Déjà Vu

_Schadenfreude_  
**"J'ai Déjà Vu"**  
**Characters:** Alfons Heidrich, Wilhelmine Raskoph, Eduard Heidrich, brief Lan Fan, mentioned Ross and Liesa  
**Pairings:** Alfons/Wilhelmine, mentioned Ed/Winry, past Eduard/Wilhelmine, mentioned Ross/Liesa, implied Eduard/Liesa  
**Chapter Rating:** T+  
**Word Count:** 1,752

* * *

It was a perfectly normal day for Alfons.

He woke up at six-thirty to get ready for his morning class to find that Wilhelmine had crawled into bed with him at some point during the night. Carefully getting out of bed, making sure not to disturb Wilhelmine, he spotted a random cat. After checking to make sure that his notes hadn't been disturbed (or worse, _eaten_), he dressed in a clean collared shirt and jeans (held up by suspenders, of course). Grabbing his sneakers, he went out to the kitchen to get something to eat. Deciding that it would be more practical to just eat some cereal, he poured some Frosted Flakes into a bowl with some milk.

After he was finished, Alfons glanced at the clock. It was six-forty-five. All right, so he had about an hour to run down to the Institute and maybe run some figures, and then get to the University for class. He could do that.

He finished at the Institute earlier than he'd expected, so, parking at the University, Alfons walked the half-block to one of the cafés on Main Street, where he ordered a black coffee. Around this time, he got a call from Wilhelmine that made him blush a very deep shade of red (really, she shouldn't say those things when either of them were in _public_). After he'd gotten his girlfriend to hang up, Alfons looked at his watch, and realised that it was seven-forty. He finished his coffee as quickly as possible and paid, leaving for class.

-x-x-x-

Class was typical, and after it, Alfons headed back down to the Institute to triple-check some equations. At about noon, he left the Institute and headed to Super Happy Food Time for lunch. Ling avoided him, instead sending Lan Fan out to be his server with a resigned offer of free food. Alfons raised an eyebrow at this, but shrugged it off and attributed it to Ling still being afraid of him. (But really, Ling shouldn't have followed him on his date with Wilhelmine – it was no wonder that Alfons had blown up at him, really!)

He had just sat back down from going up to get food when his phone rang, blaring Super Junior. He didn't have to check the caller ID to know that it was his brother, so he picked up quickly.

"Hello?"

"Alfons?"

"Yes?"

He heard his brother laugh. "It's good to hear from you again. For a while I thought that Wil was the only reason you kept in touch with me."

"You know that's not true."

"Yeah, yeah. Hey, Alfons?"

"Yes?"

"What's your address again?"

"Äh… 42 Main Street, apartment 2B… why?"

"The city's Amestris, right?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Äh… no reason. Listen, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later, kleinen Bruder."

"Goodbye?"

Eduard hung up, leaving Alfons to stare at his mobile phone. Well, one thing was for sure, Wilhelmine should probably hear this. Still, he decided to take his time eating. It was probably nothing to worry about; Eduard was known to be strange, and was probably just drunk. (Though he hadn't sounded it…)

After he was done eating, he paid his bill with a smile to Lan Fan, and headed home.

As he'd come to expect, the minute he walked in the door, Wilhelmine was there, kissing every exposed inch of him, and running her fingers through his hair.

"How was your day?" she asked in between kisses.

"Äh… it was, äh, mundane. …Eduard called me while I was at lunch."

That was enough to make Wilhelmine stop kissing her boyfriend and pull away to scrutinize him. "You're joking."

"No, I'm not."

Wilhelmine frowned, meeting Alfons's eyes. "You're not making this up?"

"No. Why would I make that up? You can check my call log on my phone if you really don't believe me."

Wilhelmine sighed, running a hand through his hair before kissing his jaw. "No, it's fine; I believe you." Moving her hands down to rest lightly on his collarbone, she placed a light kiss on his lips.

Alfons deepened the kiss, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her closer to him.

Minutes later, he and Wilhelmine were on the couch; Wilhelmine on top of him, kissing his exposed chest and stomach, his shirt on the floor, forgotten.

It was at this time that the door opened and Eduard Heidrich walked in.

Alfons was the first to notice, and reacted by flushing a very deep red and pulling Wilhelmine up off of him.

"Warum hast du–"

"Äh… hallo. Is this a bad time?"

Wilhelmine squeaked and fell off of Alfons.

"Eduard! Hallo!" Alfons greeted, still bright red.

His brother examined the two of them; utterly disheveled, Alfons shirtless, Wilhelmine's dress above her hips, hair a mess.

"Was zur H–"

"Hallo, Eduard! I'm just trying to fuck your little brother! But I'm in love with him, so it's okay, _right_?"

Eduard just stared at the couple. After what seemed like an eternity to Alfons, he turned around and walked out of the apartment.

"Scheiße," Alfons cursed. "I should go after him."

Grabbing his shirt and suspenders, Alfons ran after his brother.

He finally caught up with him outside of the apartment building.

"Eduard!"

Eduard turned around. He looked Alfons over, one eyebrow arched. "You look like an idiot, you know."

Alfons looked down at his attire: shirt open, suspenders only half-on, Wilhelmine's lipstick and hickeys all over his exposed chest…. Self-consciously, he buttoned up his shirt and adjusted his suspenders. "Better?"

Eduard smirked. "Slightly. You've got lipstick all over your face and neck."

Alfons blushed. "Nun… it's Wil. We both know how…"

"How assertive she is?" Eduard suggested. "Äh… ja. I remember that only too well."

Alfons's blush intensified. "I didn't know that you were in the U.S."

Eduard shrugged. "Everyone at my practise said that I should take a vacation, claiming that I work too hard. I thought, 'Why not visit mein Bruder?'" He grinned. "So here I am. I'm sorry for the complete lack of notice, but they pretty much forced me out yesterday. They told me to go for a month."

Alfons managed to return his brother's smile. "Well, you're certainly welcome to stay with me, if you don't have somewhere to stay. Wilhelmine lives with me, too, but she usually sleeps in my bed with me, so…" Realising the connotations of what he'd said, Alfons corrected himself, blushing furiously. "I mean, all Wil and I do is _sleep_. Usually she sneaks in after I'm asleep, but sometimes she'll go to bed with me. But not like that! I mean… what you saw is probably the farthest we've gotten, and–"

"Are you done?"

"…Yes."

"Listen, I don't care if you and Wil have sex or not, okay?" He said it with a smile, but Alfons could tell that his brother wasn't comfortable with the idea at all. "That's your business. And as for staying with you… well, I was going to look for a hotel, but if you're sure that I won't be imposing…"

"You won't."

Eduard grinned. "Well, it looks like I'm staying with you, kleinen Bruder."

-x-x-x-

As it turned out, Alfons had a much harder time convincing Wilhelmine to let Eduard stay with them.

"It's only for a month, Wil."

"I don't care; I don't want him here!"

"He's my älterer Bruder."

"He's _my_ ex!"

"I know that, Wil, but… I haven't seen him in two years – New York doesn't count. And… if it weren't for Eduard, I'd be dead right now. And… I just want to spend some time with him, Wil. He's my brother, and he's the only family that I have left."

Wilhelmine softened, but only slightly. "Do you have any idea how uncomfortable this will be?"

Alfons shrugged. "It's not like I'm asking you to befriend him, Wil, or even forgive him. I know that he really hurt you, but…"

"But he's your brother."

"If you don't want him to stay here, then I'll tell him. But… I'd really rather have him stay with us. Besides," Alfons smiled, "_someone_ needs to make sure that he doesn't get into too much trouble. Who knows what he'd do if we sent him to stay in a hotel for a month."

"…He'd hit on everyone within a ten-mile radius."

"Probably."

"…Maybe it _is_ better that he stays here. That way I can be sure that he comprehends that I'm not going to get back together with him." Wilhelmine beamed at her boyfriend, which only served to make Alfons wary of her.

-x-x-x-

"_So_, Eduard, how is Liesa?"

Eduard swallowed. Maybe staying with Alfons wasn't the best idea; especially when he had school, and Wilhelmine hated him.

"She's… äh… okay."

"Does Ross know about the two of you?"

Eduard considered which half-truth would be better: no, he didn't know about what Eduard had told Wilhelmine recently, or yes, he did know that Liesa and Eduard had a… past, so to speak.

"Well?"

"He knows… some of it. But… not all of it, no."

"Why not?" Wilhelmine asked.

"Liesa doesn't want to hurt him."

"Isn't that _sweet_?"

"You're the one who asked," Eduard half-argued.

"I find it ironic that after everything _you_ told me – that you loved me, that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, that I was the only girl you'd ever really wanted – _she's_ the one who's trying not to hurt a guy who she swears that she doesn't love."

Eduard swallowed. "Liesa and I are different people, Wil."

"You know, the only reason Alfons was okay with us being together was because he thought that _you'd_, at least, treat me well."

It was a low blow, and they both knew it. Nonetheless, he knew that he deserved it – and much more.

"I know."

-x-x-x-

When Alfons came home, Wilhelmine was, as per usual, all over him the second he closed the door behind him. Eduard, who was sitting on the couch, rushed past them for the bar downstairs. Why he had ever thought that it was a good idea to stay with Alfons and Wil was beyond him.

With a sinking feeling, Eduard realised that this was how Alfons must have felt when he'd come to visit them. Sure, maybe Wil didn't hate Alfons at that point (she'd all but told Eduard that she was planning on seducing him), but… to see the girl he loves and his brother together…

Eduard really needed a drink.

* * *

**Note: **And so we see a bit of a repeat of the previous chapter. And don't worry - you'll find out more about Eduard and Liesa soon enough. (The title is "I've already seen" in French, as in, this is a repeat of several past events with a bit of a twist). Also, Happy Christmas! (...I'm not going to say Happy Holidays, because what other holiday is after 23 December, but before New Years? Seriously.)


	10. When You Were Young

_Schadenfreude_  
**"When You Were Young"**  
**Characters:** Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye  
**Pairings:** Roy/Riza  
**Chapter Rating:** K+  
**Word Count:** 241

* * *

"I'm going to marry you, you know that?"

The girl in his arms shifted slightly. "Mhmm."

"I mean it."

"I know, Roy."

"You'll have me, won't you?"

"Of course." Though she didn't see why he always wanted to talk after they… were intimate. All that she wanted to do was cuddle up close to him and fall asleep listening to his heart beating.

"I'm going to propose to you after you graduate high school. But we won't get married until after you graduate college. I don't know, maybe I'll go for my master's in the meantime."

He probably had their entire future mapped out, knowing Roy. He'd probably even picked out their first house.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"I mean it, Riza. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without you."

"Mmm."

His gaze fell upon her face, and a blush slowly found its way onto his cheeks. "Right. I always forget that you'd rather talk in the morning."

"'S fine," Riza mumbled as she pulled herself closer to him, resting her head on his chest, though she knew too well that she'd wake up to find Roy spooning her.

He began playing with her golden-blonde hair. "You're beautiful."

Riza mumbled something that was either a variation of "thank you" or a variation of "shut up, Roy".

He smiled. "I'll try to go to sleep now."

In response, Riza nuzzled in closer to him.

"Goodnight, sweetheart."

* * *

** Note:** Roy's girlfriend that he talked about in chapter eight? Of course it was Riza, who else would it be? We wanted to get this up before the new year, but chapters eleven and twelve are not fully finished as of yet, so there may be a bit of a wait. That being said, we know this is a very short chapter and kind of angsty, and we intend to make it up to you.


	11. Psychic Alien Clone Baby

_Schadenfreude_  
**"Psychic Alien Clone Baby"**  
**Characters:** Ling Yao, Mei Chang, Edward Elric, Alphonse Elric, Winry Rockbell, Lan Fan Yao, Alfons Heidrich  
**Pairings:** Ling/Lan Fan and Edward/Winry, though this isn't very shippy.  
**Chapter Rating:** T  
**Word Count:** 2,467

* * *

"LAN FAN! LAN FAN, WHERE ARE YOU!"

"She's at the store with Fuu-sensei."

Ling stared oddly at his younger sister. "WHY WOULD SHE BE AT THE STORE AT A TIME LIKE THIS?"

"…We needed food, and obviously _you_ weren't going to go out and get it."

"BUT I'M HAVING A CRISIS!" Ling shouted. He then ran across the hall to Edward and Winry's apartment.

"EDWARD!"

"He's not allowed to talk to anyone right now," Alphonse said helpfully.

"WHY THE HELL NOT!"

"He didn't drink his milk, and Winry's pissed off at him."

"I don't need milk. I'm just fine without milk. I can get the calcium from any number of other things. It's a _juice_ excreted from a _cow_. It would be better utilised if the cow used it to feed her calves instead. I can't drink this; it'd be like a cow drinking a woman's breast milk!"

"You're thinking _way_ too much into it, Ed."

"I am not! It's disgusting. And it tastes like vomit."

"Just drink the milk and go apologise to Winry."

"I will not! That would be admitting defeat!"

Alphonse sighed. "Okay, Ed. Just sit here all night."

"I'm not drinking the damn milk."

"Winry's going to make you sleep on the couch."

"You're going to let me sleep in your room with you."

"No, I'm not. You kick in your sleep. I don't know how Winry puts up with it."

"Alphonse!" Edward cried, as if scandalised. "I do no such thing!"

"Whatever you say."

"I don't see why I have to drink this."

"Just do what Winry says, bro."

"I know! Al, you can drink it!"

"I value my health, thank you. I'm not going to do anything to incur Winry's wrath."

"NEITHER OF YOU CARE ABOUT MY CRISIS!" Ling shouted.

"What's wrong?" Alphonse asked.

"MY PERIOD IS LATE!"

Neither Alphonse nor Edward could hold in their laughter.

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY!" Ling snapped. "I think that I might be, you know… _pregnant._"

Edward was laughing so hard that he fell out of his seat, and, somehow, overturned the glass of milk – the contents of which spilled all over his head. "UGH!" Ed shuddered. "I'm going to go wash my hair. Ling… take your medication."

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!"

"Ling… you're a guy, aren't you?"

"YES!"

"Then you can't _get_ pregnant."

"DON'T INSULT MY PSYCHIC ALIEN CLONE-BABY!"

"Your what?"

"It's obvious! My period is _eighteen years late_, and I threw up this morning and I have really weird cravings!"

"You're a guy. You will _never get a period_!"

"SHUT UP!"

"This has got to be the weirdest conversation ever," Alphonse muttered. "I'm going to go hang out at Russell and Fletcher's. Later."

"Don't you hang out with that bastard, Al!"

"I'm not going to have anything to do with Russell. I think Fletcher and I are going to go hang out somewhere, anyway."

Edward rolled his eyes, and Alphonse left.

"I'm going to go wash my hair," Ed muttered. "Don't be here when I get back."

-x-x-x-

"Excuse me, where are your pregnancy tests?" Ling asked the dyed-blonde teenage girl at the counter at the pharmacy.

The girl looked at him strangely. "You knock your girlfriend up or something?"

"It's for me," Ling explained. "Where are they?"

"Aisle nine. But you know that dudes can't get pregnant, right? You need a uterus for the kid to develop in."

"DON'T YOU INSULT MY PSYCHIC ALIEN CLONE BABY YOU RANDOM CONVIENENCE STORE GIRL!" Ling shouted before storming off to aisle nine and grabbing one of every pregnancy test off of the shelves (and some other things, for good measure).

-x-x-x-

"I'm going to take some pregnancy tests, so don't come in the bathroom," Ling informed Mei as soon as he got home.

"You can't _get_ pregnant, nii-san."

"DON'T INSULT MY PSYCHIC ALIEN CLONE BABY!" Ling shouted (again) before storming into the bathroom, accidentally dropping a few products from his bag.

Mei, curious, picked one up. "What is this?" she wondered aloud, examining the box. Upon realising what it was, she dropped it as if it were on fire. "_Ew!_"

She couldn't help but wish that Lan Fan and Fuu would come home soon.

-x-x-x-

Unfortunately, they hadn't returned by the time Ling emerged from the bathroom.

"Mei?"

"Are you done having a freak out?"

"Yes. I've decided to accept responsibility and carry this baby until its alien parents come for it."

"…_What_?"

Ling held up several pregnancy tests, all positive. "See? You can't deny it; I'm pregnant."

Mei tried to process this information. "But… you're a guy."

"I know."

"You don't have… girl parts."

"No…"

"And… you and Lan Fan haven't… _done_ anything…"

"I know that."

"It has to be some sort of screw up with the tests."

"It can't be! This one –" Ling waved one of the pregnancy tests in the air, letting the others fall to the ground, "-is ninety-nine point eight percent accurate!"

"Maybe you're the point two percent that it's wrong about. Just a guess."

"I'M PREGNANT. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT THIS?"

"Because MEN CAN'T GET PREGNANT, STUPID BROTHER!"

"YES THEY CAN. OBVIOUSLY."

Mei sighed, deciding that it was better not to argue. "I'll have to tell Lan Fan and Fuu-sensei that you're doing drugs again. They won't be happy."

"I'm not!"

"Uh-_huh_."

"YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS THAT YOU DON'T HAVE A PSYCHIC ALIEN CLONE BABY!"

"You watch too much American television. It's messed with your brain."

"YOU KNOW WHAT? ED AND AL WILL CARE! I KNOW THEY WILL!" Ling cried as he stormed out of the apartment.

-x-x-x-

When Ling entered Edward and Winry's apartment, he happened about what he thought was a strange sight: Winry brushing and braiding Edward's hair.

"Really, Ed, I don't understand why you don't just braid your own hair."

"My motor skills aren't as refined in my automail arm," Ed explained, flexing a metal arm that _certainly_ hadn't been there before.

"I'll need to oil your automail tonight. You're lucky you have me, you know. Your automail wouldn't last a month with the way _you_ care for it."

Ling looked at Edward's exposed left leg and was shocked to find metal there, too.

"YOU'RE A CYBORG!" Ling exclaimed, startling Edward and Winry.

"Oh, fuck," Ed moaned. "I forgot to lock the door."

"YOU'RE A CYBORG, AREN'T YOU, ED?"

"_What_? No, of course not."

"Yes, you ARE! Look at your arm!"

"So? It's automail."

"And it's not supposed to be shown to people," Winry muttered, rolling her eyes and continuing to braid Edward's hair.

"Auto-what?"

"Prosthetics," Ed supplied, rolling his eyes. "And it's a top-secret innovation in biomechanical engineering… or so Winry says, and she knows more about it than I do."

"Top-secret… so the government made you a cyborg?"

"I'm _not_ a cyborg."

"Yes, you are."

"I'm _not_."

"A cyborg is a human with robotic stuff stuck on them. Therefore, you're a cyborg."

"What? That's not what a cyborg is, and I'm _not_ a cyborg."

"Then why do you have robotic limbs?"

"They're not _robotic_, they're _cybernetic_," Winry muttered. "Which, before you ask, does not make him a cyborg, _believe_ me."

"Then why does he have them?"

"I got into an accident as a kid, and it was the most appealing option to replace limbs."

"I don't believe you," Ling said petulantly.

"Did you come here for anything?"

"I'm pregnant."

"We've gone over this: you're a guy; you can't _get_ pregnant. It is biologically _impossible_. Believe me; I've taken _several_ biology classes, and anatomy and physiology, and _trust_ me, there is _no_ way for a man to get pregnant."

"_Obviously_ aliens were responsible."

"But you don't have a uterus."

"That doesn't explain _this_," Ling cried, waving the pregnancy test in Edward's face.

"Sometimes certain medications and medical conditions can make you get a false positive," Winry supplied.

"Like what?" Ling asked.

"Uh…" Winry trailed off, blushing furiously.

"You could have cancer," Edward offered.

Ling was too shocked to speak.

"It's true."

"OHMYGOD I DON'T WANNA DIE!" he cried.

Winry sighed. "You could always go to the doctor…"

Ling, however, was too busy having a panic attack to hear her. Then something occurred to Winry. It was strange, to say the least, but it was _Ling_, after all.

"Ling, are you taking any fertility treatments?"

"Uh… I don't think so…"

"Are you sure?"

"Um…" Ling trailed off. He absolutely could not recall what he'd taken over the past month or two.

"Look," Winry said, sighing, "just go to your doctor and get this all sorted out. You're not pregnant."

"But what if I _am_?" Ling insisted. "Aliens probably don't know much about human biology…"

"You're not."

"But that doesn't really explain all of the symptoms…"

"Like what?"

"I've been throwing up in the morning, having really weird cravings…"

"You could be sick," Winry suggested.

"BUT I DON'T WANT TO HAVE CANCER!"

"I don't mean cancer."

"…Oh."

"Do you have any other symptoms?" Winry asked.

"Uh… well, if it counts… Greed seems to have shut up for the time being…"

"…Okay… anything _else_?"

"Not that I can think of right now."

"You could just have food poisioning or something. There's no need to jump to conclusions."

"Okay… but that still doesn't explain the pregnancy tests."

"Pregnancy tests detect a certain hormone," Winry explained. "Something else could be causing you to produce it…"

"Like… aliens?" Ling ventured.

"No."

"But I _like_ aliens…"

Winry rolled her eyes, deciding, like Edward, that it was probably better not to respond. Instead she went back to braiding Edward's hair.

"I'm gonna go see the doctor…" Ling muttered, leaving their apartment. However, instead of going to the doctor, he merely went back to his own apartment, where he found his rather angry-looking girlfriend sitting on the couch, Mei and Fuu nowhere in sight.

"Lan Fan~!" Ling exclaimed, going to hug her.

However, Lan Fan did not seem to be in the mood for this. "What is _this _for?" she asked in a dangerous tone, holding up a box that Ling had forgotten to put away in his panic.

"…Um…"

"Well?"

"It's… something for the two of us to try?"

Lan Fan glared at him, but blushed nonetheless. "I'm not stupid, Young Lord. I know what this is, and I –"

"Don't call me 'Young Lord'," Ling whined. "You can call me Ling. I'm your boyfriend, aren't I?"

"Need I remind you, then, _Ling_, that you are _still_ a prince of Xing, whether or not you are in our homeland or not. I cannot and will not allow you to compromise your honour or mine."

"What do you mean?"

"I know what you're insinuating, and I… I refuse."

"What do you think that I'm insinuating?" Ling asked, confused.

"Do you have any idea what it would do to the image of our nation if you were to… if _we_ were to… compromise our honour… Young – _Ling_, you are a representative of our nation and if the press were to find out that you compromised your bodyguard…"

"And girlfriend."

"The press doesn't know that. It's really better if they _don't_, because if they did… I'm sure that your father would not approve of you having an actual relationship with me… after all… look at your… _sister_."

Ling merely rolled his eyes at Lan Fan's disdain of Mei. "Listen to me, Lan Fan. I don't care what people think."

"You should."

"Maybe. But I'm technically in exile. It's not like I have that much further to fall."

"Your reputation is still intact. You cannot afford to impugn your honour."

Ling, sensing an incoming lecture, decided to try to distract her. "Um… Lan Fan, I have something to tell you."

Lan Fan sighed, deciding to humour him. "What is it?"

"Um… I'm pregnant."

"_What_."

"I-I didn't cheat on you or anything! It must have been aliens or a secret government agency or something like that!"

"Ling."

"What?"

"When I… became a woman…" Lan Fan began hesitantly, not entirely sure if this was the best way to explain the situation to Ling.

"Huh?"

"…I learnt that it is the woman's responsibility to care for a child in the months before it is born so that it can become a healthy child."

"And…?"

"I was also told that the reason that men don't have this responsibility is because they're much too reckless and ignorant to be trusted with such a great task. They merely assist with creating the baby."

"Which is why aliens were involved!" Ling explained impatiently.

"If the aliens were smart enough to find Earth and implant a child in someone, I highly doubt that they'd be stupid enough to entrust such an important responsibility to a man."

"Well, maybe they didn't know about human biology or something?"

"If there is any world in which men are _not_ reckless and ignorant, and women are _not_ more responsible, then I have lost all faith in the universe."

"They might have different genders," Ling reasoned. "And that's kind of sexist…"

"I don't see how it's sexist. You make a perfect example of the truth of this idea."

"Well, sexism is making generalizations about everyone in one gender… and I'm not _that_ reckless or ignorant."

"Is that so?"

"I mean, I've messed up some times, but I could be more responsible if I tried."

"…Your sister is more responsible than you are, and she's four years younger _and_ insane."

"I said if I _tried_."

"Yet you don't, which only proves your ignorance."

"I'm just trying to have some fun before I take the throne…"

"Having fun? Ling, at this rate, I fear that you may never _take_ the throne, and all of our efforts will have been in vain."

"You worry too much about that," Ling said, rolling his eyes. "I _will_ become emperor some day, don't worry."

Lan Fan couldn't help but worry. What kind of emperor thought that aliens would impregnate him of all people?

-x-x-x-

"Everyone," Ling began, addressing the room full of his family and neighbours. "I have some very sad news."

Edward rolled his eyes and muttered something about wanting to go back to sleep. Eight in the morning on a Saturday was _much_ too early to be functioning properly.

"…Isn't anyone going to ask what it is?"

Alfons sighed; everyone already knew what Ling was going to say. Still, the German decided to humour him. "What is it?"

"I'm not pregnant."

…No one seemed very surprised.

"I went to the doctor today, and got an ultrasound and they said that I wasn't pregnant."

Alphonse covered his older brother's mouth to prevent him from shouting some smartass remark.

"Can we just go back to sleep now?" Edward asked, prying his brother's hand from his mouth.

"Fine, if you don't care about my _crisis_ that was just _averted_."

The room emptied in a matter of seconds.

* * *

**Note: **This chapter... well, first off, I'm so very sorry that it's so late. DX School and real life and whatnot... Also, the ages for this chapter might be of some relevance: Ed, Winry, Lan Fan and Ling are about eighteen, Alfons and Alphonse a year younger, and Mei is fourteen. This is about... two or three years before the "main" storyline, and Ling and Lan Fan were not married yet, obviously. Also, one of my other fandom OCs makes an appearance in this chapter. Also, I totally just realised that we have no apartment building stuff posted on the forum. This must be remedied. (Also, yeah, Ed manages to lose his virginity before Ling - who is still a virgin in this chapter. Crazy, right?)

Also, the pregnancy tests came out positive due to the medication that Ling was put on for his Dissociative Identity Disorder (aka Greed).


	12. What Happens in Vegas

_Schadenfreude_  
**"What Happens in Vegas..."**  
**Characters:** Alfons Heidrich, Wilhelmine Raskoph (mentioned), Edward Elric, Winry Rockbell, Maes Hughes, Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye, Jean Havoc, Kain Fuery, Sheska, Izumi Curtis, Sig Curtis (mentioned), Elysia Hughes (mentioned), Selim Bradley (mentioned)  
**Pairings:** Edward/Winry, Roy/Riza, Alfons/Wilhelmine, implied/mentioned Alphonse/Mei, implied Fuery/Sheska, implied one-sided Selim/Elysia, mentioned Izumi/Sig.  
**Chapter Rating:** T+  
**Word Count:** 978

* * *

"Las Vegas?" Ed asked blankly. "Why would I spend spring break in _Vegas_?"

"You're twenty-one, if that's what you're worried about," Havoc said.

"It's not. I was just planning on going to Dublith with Al and Winry to visit Mas – Izumi Curtis."

"You can still go to Dublith. We'll only be in Vegas for five days; you have four to do whatever you want."

Edward looked doubtful. "I don't think you've ever met my old teacher."

"She can't be any worse than Major General Armstrong," Fuery ventured.

"She is," Edward assured him, "trust me."

-x-x-x-

"Master Izumi?" Edward spoke timidly into the phone.

"Edward? What prompted you to call?"

"My co-workers are dragging Winry and I to Las Vegas for spring break – no arguments allowed. I can visit the weekend before school starts… I mean, Al's still going to stay for his entire break, but…" Edward winced, preparing himself for a verbal assault.

…But it never came. "Have fun," Izumi said.

-x-x-x-

"Are you sure that you want to do this, Ed?" Winry asked, looking at her boyfriend (fiancé?) somewhat anxiously.

"Yeah," Edward replied, looking just as anxious as she was.

The organ in the other room began playing again, and the couple that had been getting married stumbled out of the room.

Edward and Winry exchanged looks.

"Oh my god..."

Roy and Riza didn't seem to notice them as they stumbled out of the chapel, clearly very, _very_ drunk.

Seconds later, Kain and Sheska ran into the chapel.

"Oh my god."

Luckily, Kain and Sheska didn't seem to notice Edward and Winry. Until, that is, they ran out of the chapel.

"Oh, hey, Ed, Winry!" Kain exclaimed, walking over to them.

"Did we miss it?" Sheska asked.

"Miss what?" Edward asked, clueless.

"The wedding. Roy and Riza."

"They called us to say that they were getting married," Sheska clarified. "Isn't that why you two are here?"

"Of course!" Ed exclaimed, seemingly happy for the perfect excuse for his and Winry's rash behaviour.

"Why else would we be here?" Winry added.

Kain and Sheska exchanged glances. "Well?"

"What?"

"What happened? Did we miss it?"

"Uh... we, actually, missed it," Ed answered.

"I can't believe they got married..." Sheska mused.

"I didn't even know that they were dating," Kain added.

"I don't think that they're dating... so much as they're two bottles of vodka walking around in human form."

"That man is dead sexy in a miniskirt," the clerk sighed.

"HYDROGEN, HELIUM, LITHIUM, BERYLLIUM –"

-x-x-x-

"Oh, God, what happened last night?" Riza muttered. One thing was sure: she had a killer hangover. An arm was wrapped around her, which wasn't very shocking considering what usually happened when she got drunk.

Though for the first time in a long time, she hoped fervently that it was indeed Roy in bed with her – at least she _knew_ him. A glance over her shoulder confirmed her hopes, though the man in question was still asleep. She didn't wake him, and instead focused her thoughts on getting out of bed without disturbing him.

-x-x-x-

"Congratulations Professor Bastard."

Roy examined Ed hazily. "What? Congratulations on what?"

"Getting married."

Ed had a smirk to rival Roy's trademark, and Roy and Riza exchanged glances.

"What?"

"You invited us all to watch," Sheska added.

Neither Roy nor Riza had time to verbalise anything, as Maes Hughes sat down at the table.

"Congratulations, Roy! I guess you're finally grown up now, huh?"

"What?"

"You and Riza got married last night, didn't you?"

"Apparently."

"Well congratulations! I'm glad that you finally got married. You're thirty-five, it's about time! Now. To the important matters: when can I expect to be a godfather?"

Edward began laughing uncontrollably, while Roy and Riza stared blankly at Maes.

Havoc rolled his eyes. "Who said _you'd _be the godfather, anyway, Hughes?"

-x-x-x-

In retrospect, Alphonse thought, this probably wasn't a good idea. Not that he could have told Izumi Curtis no – no one could tell Izumi Curtis no. He was sure that it was written somewhere in the fundamental laws of the universe – _do not cross Izumi Curtis or tell her no in any way, shape, or form._

Even so… he wasn't sure that he could put up with Alfons and Wilhelmine being so… couple-y much longer. Sure, okay, Izumi and Sig were probably worse, and he had Mei, who had decided to come with him for spring break. That didn't mean that Alphonse wanted to see his best friend sucking face the whole week. When Alfons _wasn't_ with Wil, he was grinning like an idiot and talking about her incessantly – though, Alphonse reminded himself, this probably came with the territory of having a newlywed friend. (Even if it _had_ been three months since their wedding…)

To make matters worse, somehow Alphonse and Alfons had been given the task of baby-sitting Elysia Hughes and Selim Bradley, respectively, for five days while their parents were in Vegas. (Oh god, what were Ed and Winry getting up to?)

Elysia wasn't hard to handle. She was cheerful and friendly, and always willing to help out. Selim, on the other hand, was quiet and stand-offish – and would only speak to Alfons and Elysia, and even then, only in (perfect) German. There was something wrong with that kid, Alphonse was sure.

"…Hey, Al?"

"Hm?" Alphonse replied, looking up to see Alfons standing nearby (without his wife, for a change).

"Do you have any idea how I could convince Wil that having sex on the beach is a bad idea?"

_That_ was way too much information. Alphonse sighed before remembering something he'd learnt in his childhood here. "It's illegal here once the season starts, which it has. Just tell her that."

"I will, thanks."

"Don't mention it." _Really_.

"…Al?"

"Yeah?"

"How do you know that?"

Alphonse sighed. "It's really better not to ask. Just don't mention it to Master Izumi."

* * *

**Note:** And this is the V-Day chapter~! Vegas, but of course. The whole Royai wedding was completely inspired by Friends - The One in Vegas and the One After Vegas - and some lines have been borrowed. We mean no infringement, as we are not the WB or... whoever else may own the rights to Friends. Also, chapters up to eighteen are written, so expect them (hopefully) biweekly. Hopefully.


	13. Confession

_Schadenfreude_  
**"Confession"**  
**Characters:** Ross Muhlfeld, Liesa Hauser, mentioned others  
**Pairings:** Ross/Liesa  
**Chapter Rating:** T  
**Word Count:** 2,609

* * *

"Liesa, wait!" Ross squeaks – he actually _squeaks_, and he thinks that she couldn't possibly find that attractive. Still, Eduard's words are ringing in his ears, and while his friend hasn't exactly given the best advice before, something tells him that maybe the other boy has a point.

Liesa stops, looking up at him expectantly. She's impatient, and she _certainly_ doesn't want to talk to him, that much is obvious. Still, he's not as much fun when he's in one of his moods.

"Äh…"

"Yes?"

"List-listen, remember when I told you that I went to your room in Paris to ask you out?"

Not this again. She sighs. "Yes, and I've told you that all that you had to do was _ask_."

"Well, I want to go out with you."

"I know, you've told me."

She misses the point, and Ross has to wonder if perhaps it's intentional. After all, as far as he can gather, the only other guy that she's even been remotely close to was Eduard… and that didn't end well for her, though Eduard had got a good laugh (and a black eye) out of it (though the black eye had been courtesy of Wilhelmine – even if Ross wishes that he were the one who had had the guts to do it).

"No, I mean… I want to go out with you." He's certain that his face is flushed a bright red, and she's eying him like he's talking nonsense. "Really. I do." Now he can't stop himself, and he half-wonders if this was Eduard's plan all along (though he reminds himself that Eduard _usually_ has the best of intentions – just that he's possessive and impulsive and that usually wins over common sense). "I, äh…" He tries to swallow down the lump in his throat, and tells himself that she's not looking at him like he's annoying the hell out of her (though she is and he is). "You're beautiful. Really. And, äh… n-not all guys are, y'know, like Eduard. I mean… I'm not, and, äh…" His mind seems to have shut down. Fantastic. He can't shut up and he can't think of what to say. "I'd treat you like… äh… like… äh…" He tries to force himself to shut up and to avoid any and all Lord of the Rings analogies, which would certainly make her think that he's insane. "I'd treat you well. Äh… I'd, äh, actually, probably end up spoiling you. And I'd never, ever hurt you." Oh, _lieber Gott_, shut _up_. "And, äh… I just… äh… I was wondering if maybe you could… äh… you know… give me a chance?" Pathetic. He was absolutely _pathetic_. To make matters worse, he can't seem to help himself from adding a _very_ pathetic-sounding "Please?" at the end.

"Ross…"

He can't quite identify her tone, and that realisation has his stomach in knots (more than it was, anyway).

"I can't."

He winces, and it _hurts_, even though he tells himself that he should have _known_ that she'd turn him down. "Right. Of course."

She bites her lip. She wasn't supposed to _hurt_ him – does he actually _like_ her? She doesn't want to hurt him – or anyone, really, except maybe Eduard or her father, but those two are different (and messing around with Ross is supposed to take care of that, but apparently it has no effect on either of them). "I'm sorry, Ross, but _really_, I can't."

"Okay." His voice is barely a whisper, and she wonders (panics) if he might cry.

"Listen, you're… a decent guy. And… I would if I weren't so screwed up."

"Then just give me a chance."

"I've told you, I can't. I…" She hesitates. He doesn't know. He thinks that a shitty ex is the source of all of her problems. Gott, what is he, seven months older than her? Eight months older than her? At any rate, he's fifteen right now, going on sixteen in a few months, and she's not even fifteen yet. And he's still so… innocent and naïve. Then again, so are Alfons and Wil, aren't they?

"Yes?"

And he's patient and caring and he _could_ handle her, maybe, and he _is_ a _great_ guy, but she _can't_. And, _lieber Gott_, she wants to. She wants him all for herself; though she can't admit it… she can't _let_ herself admit it.

"Liesa?"

And he has the most beautiful eyes, especially when they're looking at her like that. Like he likes her. Like someone actually cares. "Äh… listen, Ross…" It would be so much easier if she could bring herself to tell him that she didn't even _like_ him, that the only reason that she was doing this was because he's great in bed (which he is, but that's beside the point). But the fact of the matter is that she's _hurt_ him, and right now, she only wants to explain everything, and to try to make everything better.

"Just tell me. I can handle it." The thought crosses his mind that she might be dying, like in that movie that Nora loves so much, but that's ridiculous. He wouldn't know what to do if she were.

"I… I just… can't. I… I can't bring myself to trust anyone – or get close to them, emotionally – and it would be completely unfair to you if we were to go out, because there's no way that I would be able to even offer you a fraction of what you deserve."

"I can wait. I'll earn your trust." There's a fire in his eyes, and she realises that he's not going to stop now until he has her trust. And if it weren't for Eduard destroying her last shred of hope in males (and humanity in general) she might not be utterly terrified by the idea of trusting this boy. But, as it stands now, she is.

"Ross…"

"I'll wait. However long it takes, I'll wait. A year? Two years? Ten? Liesa, listen to me; I'll wait. I want you to trust me more than I've ever wanted anything before in my life." It's true, and he's wanted a lot of things very badly in his life before. "And… you know what?"

He waits for her to prompt him to continue, in part because he's too terrified to continue on his own.

She's chewing on her bottom lip, contemplating whether or not to respond. It was so much easier when she could force herself to believe that he was an arrogant asshole – just as bad as Eduard; but there's no way that she could convince herself of that now. She'd almost rather he be an insensitive jerk. At least then she wouldn't risk hurting him, and he wouldn't be so determined to gain her trust.

He's still looking at her, searching her face with his absolutely beautiful eyes. He looks terrified, too. If she were watching this exchange, she might be amused. Two teenagers, standing in nothing more than their underwear in the middle of her room (oh, Gott, they were in their underwear – if her father were to find them…) absolutely terrified of trusting each other, even though it is fairly obvious that that was what they both want.

Purely on impulse, she kisses him. And it's nothing like their other kisses (full of passion and desire and _need_); it's soft and slow and they both savour it. When it's over, their faces are closer than they had been since this conversation had started, and she can see the shades of blue in his nearly-black eyes.

"You were saying?" she whispers. Her heart is racing, and she can't quite sort out why.

"I want to marry you."

His eyes are intense, more so than she's ever seen them, serious and absolutely honest, and she doesn't know what to say. Thankfully, after a few seconds, he continues without her prompting.

"I don't have to, of course. But I want to. When we're older. But… I think that I'd be almost as content just to have you in my life as a friend. Provided, of course, that you trust me. And… I want you to be happy. Actually, I think that I want you to be happy _more_ than I want you to trust me. Though, I don't know. I want both of those things more than anything else, and it's a tough call between them."

As per usual, his eyes are intently fixed on hers, and the look that he's fixed her with leaves her with no doubt that he's being entirely honest with her. Though he always is honest with her, as far as she can tell; a fact that she finds remarkable, chiefly due to the fact that she's rarely honest even with herself.

If she were to be honest with herself, she imagines that she'd be astounded with how deeply she admires this boy. She can't honestly think of any trait of his that isn't admirable (excluding, perhaps, his laziness – and the cockiness that he takes on when they're around other people, but she can ignore those traits easily enough, especially considering how many negative traits she herself has).

For lack of anything to say, Liesa kisses him again – softly and slowly, like before. She finds that he's rather clumsy when it comes to kissing like this – a shocking revelation, because, given his personality, she would have assumed that this is how he normally kisses – when he's not faced with girls like her. Unless…

She forces that thought out of her mind. He's _Ross Muhlfeld_. There's no way that she's the first girl that he's kissed.

Even so, the clumsiness is almost endearing, and she doesn't want the kiss to end, and can't stop herself from pouting when it inevitably does. He can't stop himself from smiling when he sees her pout, and for a second just enjoys the sensation of her running her fingers through his hair. Then he shocks her by picking her up and laying her down on her bed.

Liesa's pout deepens. She's really not ready to stop kissing just yet, and Ross's smile widens when he realises that. He lies down next to her and kisses her, slowly and gently. She pulls him on top of her at some point, and wonders why they don't do this more often – just kiss. When the revelation comes – that it's because they're not _dating_, they're not_ together_, and only couples waste hours kissing, friends with benefits certainly don't – she wonders if, maybe, it'd be so bad going out with him. It wouldn't be, certainly, and she might actually enjoy it. He'd pay attention to her, _spoil her_, he said, and he'd care about her, and hold her and kiss her and cherish her. But that would require trusting him – or she'd feel horribly guilty – and she can't bring herself to trust anyone just yet.

Still, she plays with the idea as they kiss and she runs her fingers through his silky black hair. It'd be nice. He'd probably buy her bouquets of roses and lilies for no reason at all. He'd probably find some way to always be touching her – whether it was holding her close to him or just holding her hand – and they'd probably get to spend more nights like this. He'd be happier, too. It almost unsettles her how happy she knows that she'd make him if she simply agrees to be his girlfriend. She'd probably be happier, too. Because… knowing Ross (even as little as she does) it's impossible to ignore how deeply he cares about his loved ones. And she'd love to be loved again. He'd probably insist on taking her to Nice with him every summer. And he probably wouldn't go a day without telling her how much she means to him.

And suddenly she realises that she _wants that_. She wants him to hold her hand, and kiss her in front of their friends, and tell her that he loves her. And Ross would. Hell, a few minutes (hours?) ago, he told her that he wanted to marry her when they were older. And it's not like he's six; he knows what that would entail and he wants _her_ of all people. And Liesa Muhlfeld doesn't sound so bad.

But then he pulls away, needing air. He's still lying on top of her, and he smiles down at her, making her heart race.

"I like this," he whispers, kissing her cheek.

"So do I," she replies, tracing the curve of his jaw line with her finger.

"I'd go as far to say that I _prefer_ kissing you."

"To what?"

"Well, to everything."

"Everything?"

He smiles. Gott, he has a beautiful smile. "Yes."

"What about to sex?"

"I still prefer kissing. Ironic as this may sound, kissing you is much more intimate than having sex with you. Though that's not to say that I don't _like –"_

She cuts him off. "Shut up, you're ruining the mood."

He laughs softly and kisses the tip of her nose. "Okay. I'll be good."

She continues to run her fingers through his hair, while he's taking in every detail of her face, studying every freckle intently. He doesn't dare ask her out again – though at the moment, he wants nothing more (except for her trust and her happiness) – because that would _certainly_ ruin any romantic mood that she's in.

He decides that if she ever does agree to be his, he'll have to kiss her like this every day.

She thinks that maybe she might accept him if he does ask her out again, because even if she can't bring herself to trust him quite yet, he's already assured her that he'd have no problem waiting for her to. He really is a great guy, she realises, and she wonders why she's never seen him with a girlfriend. They'd been around each other a lot the past school year, and she was certain that she would have noticed any possible girlfriends… but looking back, his attention had usually been entirely focused on getting her to pay attention to him. She can't decide if that's endearingly pathetic, or pathetically endearing.

She feels herself start to drift off to sleep, and when he realises that, he gently shakes her awake.

"What is it?" Her words are slurred and her tone betrays her slight irritation, but she all but melts at the concerned look that he's giving her.

"You didn't take your contacts out, and if you fall asleep with them in, they could cause all sorts of nasty side-effects. And I don't want you to go blind."

She sighs and kisses him. "Okay. Just… get off of me for a sec?"

Ross rolls over onto his side, and Liesa crosses the room to her (mother's old) vanity table. She removes her contacts (after a few tries – it's really not quite so easy when she's this tired and she can see a very attractive boy watching her in the mirror) and puts them in the case, dousing them with solution. Then she turns back to her bed and makes Ross go under the covers. He obliges easily, and wraps his arms around her when she crawls back into bed next to him after changing into an old t-shirt that her mother used to sleep in.

"You really are pretty, you know that?" he mumbles as he holds her close to him. "Beautiful."

She's not sure what brought this on, and leans in closer to him rather than reply. Within a few minutes, she's asleep, and for a while, Ross just watches her, completely entranced, wondering how one girl can have such an effect on him.

* * *

**Note:** Oh, god, I love this chapter so much. One of the things I love about Ross and Liesa as a pairing is the sheer amount of miscommunications that could have made their relationship so much easier, and this chapter features several of them, as well as Ross trying to make things _work_. Also, the contacts making you blind thing. When I first got mine, the tech told me "DO NOT SLEEP IN YOUR CONTACTS. YOU CAN GO BLIND OR SOMETHING ELSE TERRIBLE CAN HAPPEN." Of course, I wasn't going to sleep in them anyway, but generally it doesn't have that result - at least not with my friends. More common, I think, is losing your contact in your eye, which can be a pain, but I digress. It was more Ross being super worried about something small regarding Liesa than an actual risk. Another thing I love about Ross and Liesa as a pairing: Ross becomes even more adorable, somehow.


	14. Miserable At Best

_Schadenfreude_  
**"Miserable at Best"**  
**Characters:** Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye  
**Pairings:** Roy/Riza  
**Chapter Rating:** T  
**Word Count:** 425

* * *

"Mustang."

Roy looks up to see Riza, face flushed, staring straight ahead.

"Riza."

She ignores his use of her first name. "With all due respect, sir, I think that it would be in both of our best interests if we tried to forget about what occurred last night."

"You mean…"

"Sir, I think that it would be best if we were to get an annulment."

"Why? And quit calling me 'sir', Riza. We aren't in the military anymore, if you haven't noticed. I'm not your superior."

"Sir – _Mustang_…"

"And don't address me by my surname, either, Riza."

"Then what do I call you?"

"You could try 'Roy'. It _is_ my name, though it seems as if you've forgotten."

"That's not it, sir – _Roy_."

"Those were the best years of my life. With you. Before Flamel, before Ishval, back –"

"Stop."

"Why can't we try it again?"

"It was different back then."

"I loved you." A bitter smile. "I still do. But you want nothing to do with me."

"You know that that's not true."

"Then why are you so eager for an annulment? The Riza I knew back then would be thrilled right now. We'd probably end up spending the remainder of this little trip in this room –"

She slaps him.

He freezes for a moment, and then continues as if nothing's happened. "I was going to marry you."

She says nothing, instead sits down in the chair.

"We were going to leave Central City, and get a nice house in the suburbs – with a yard and neighbours that we would actually _know_. Remember? And we were going to have children – two at the most, but they'd be ours. And we wouldn't leave them and we wouldn't ignore them. Remember that? You said that we wouldn't turn into our parents – well, my mother and your father, anyway. My father and your mother never had much of a choice."

She makes no indication that she's heard anything that he's said.

"And I know that things have changed, Riza. We didn't leave Ishval the same as we were when we got there. But you can't honestly tell me that not even a small part of you still wants that, can you?"

She waits a moment before responding, and when she does, there is almost no relevance to the question. "I'll get the papers drawn up when we get back home. You'll sign them, won't you? You won't make this a bigger hassle than it has to be?"

Without waiting for a response, she leaves the room.

* * *

**Note:** Royai angst. ...Roy needs a hug.


	15. Ravishing

_Schadenfreude_  
**"Ravishing"**  
**Characters:** Lan Fan, Winry Rockbell, Wilhelmine Raskoph, Riza Hawkeye, Ling Yao, Alfons Heidrich, mentioned Ed, Mei, and Roy.  
**Pairings:** Ling/Lan Fan, Alfons/Wil, mentioned Edward/Winry, implied Roy/Riza  
**Chapter Rating:** T+  
**Word Count:** 1,141

* * *

Lan Fan had been having a good day. Ling was behaving (which, needless to say, was rare in itself), they had had a good influx of customers at the restaurant, Mei had been hanging around with Alphonse all day (and therefore unable to irritate Lan Fan), and she was now having tea with Winry, Wilhelmine, and Riza.

Granted, it seemed like everyone usually had something to complain about (namely their significant others – though Lan Fan had no idea why they would complain – their men weren't _insane_), but today… no one had anything.

Well, no one had anything _negative_. Lan Fan wasn't overly keen to hear just how _fantastic_ Alfons was at _everything_, or how Ed had managed to sufficiently… distract… Winry while she was at work, but… it wasn't as bad as it could have been. (Though, Ling behaving himself usually meant that Lan Fan herself was left rather… unsatisfied – not that she'd dare admit it, because then Ling would use that as an excuse to neglect to take his medication, which would _certainly_ cause problems).

They spent most of the time talking and laughing, and it was actually a lot of fun.

…Lan Fan should have known that it wouldn't last.

At about eight, Ling burst through the door of Winry and Edward's apartment.

"Princess Lan Fan!"

…He was drunk. That was just _great_. He _knew_ that alcohol counteracted his medication!

"Ling… what are you doing here?"

"I've come to ravish you!"

"You're drunk." It was a statement, not a question.

"No, I'm not! Now, come on! I've got a zeppelin parked illegally on the roof! I need to ravish you!"

"How do you go about _parking_ a zeppelin?" Wilhelmine asked dryly.

"Well, if you _must _know, one of my knights moored it."

"One of your knights?"

"Yes. Though I don't know why he's one of my knights; he stopped me from completely destroying the savage dragon controlled by the mushrooms! And he's a king, too!"

"Ling, go home and take your medicine," Lan Fan grumbled.

"No. I'm here to ravish you, so ravish you, I shall."

Lan Fan slapped her forehead. "Go home, Ling."

"No, Princess! The King of the Sky People wants to ravish you first!"

Ling darted into the hallway and returned a few seconds later, dragging Alfons behind him. "This is the King of the Sky People. And he wants to kidnap the Princess Lan Fan and ravish her."

"I do not!"

"Liar!"

"I'm _very_ happily married."

"Lies! All lies! Come on, Princess!"

Lan Fan merely stared at her husband.

"Wait, wait, what was that dragon you were talking about?" Winry asked.

"It was a savage beast! Jet black in colour with cold red eyes! I slayed it with a katana!"

"Alfons? That wasn't your Lexus, _was it_?" Wilhelmine growled.

"No! Of course not! …It was Roy's äh… '65 Ford Mustang. And Ling completely trashed it."

"Roy's going to murder him, and I'm not going to make any attempt to stop him," Riza said coolly.

"Princess! Princess Lan Fan! If you won't come with me willingly, I shall take you by force! I'm not leaving you to the King of the Sky People!"

"I don't _want_ her! She's _your_ wife! I'm _very_ happily _married_ to _Wilhelmine._"

"Lies! He lies, Princess! I would not lose you to a liar!"

"Um Gottes willen..." Alfons muttered.

"Princess!"

"Lieber Gott, he's worse than Ross and Eduard _combined_ when he's drunk…" Wilhelmine muttered.

"You have _no_ idea," Alfons assured her.

"You might as well play along, because he's not going to leave otherwise," Winry suggested in a tone that clearly meant '_do whatever it takes to get him the hell out of here_'. "He followed Ed home last week… we didn't get him to leave until four in the morning."

"Yeah… Äh… Ling?"

"What say you, King of the Sky People?"

"Äh… I have a wife. She's the, äh, _queen_ of the Sky People."

"Lies, lies, and more lies!"

"I'm not lying. I _am_ married. And she's the most beautiful, wonderful woman in the world. And… while I'm sure that, äh, _Princess_ Lan Fan is beautiful, I'm afraid that, in my eyes, at least, she will never equal the beauty of my beloved wife."

"You speak the truth?"

"Yes. I am very much in love with my wife. You can have the… äh… _princess_. The only woman that I want is my wife."

"I see." Ling looked Wilhelmine over. "She _is_ pleasing to the eye, I will allow that."

"…_Hey_! That's my _wife_ you're eying."

Ling laughed. "Very well. I will take your word, King of the Sky People. Come, Princess Lan Fan!"

"Ling, I don't think –"

"Come, Princess, and I will ravish you!"

"Ling, liste–"

"_I WILL RAVISH YOU, PRINCESS!"_ Ling shouted, grabbing Lan Fan around the waist and throwing her over his shoulder, before turning to address Alfons. "I bid thee adieu, King of the Sky People. Many thanks for your help, noble knight, and much luck with your queen. May you have many heirs."

Without another word, he left the apartment, racing across the hall.

"…What just happened?"

"I honestly have no idea."

"Alfons?" Wilhelmine asked, leaning close to him.

"Yes?"

"Did you mean all of that?"

"What? About you? Of course."

Wilhelmine kissed him. "In that case… maybe we could turn in early?"

"Wa–? Äh… ja. Okay. Ja klar. Natürlich."

Wilhelmine grinned and grabbed his hand. "Äh… I'll see you two tomorrow," she said quickly, before leading Alfons from the apartment and shutting the door behind them.

"I wonder what it'd be like to have normal people for neighbours," Winry mused.

"I wonder what it'd be like to have a normal _dog_."

"Black Hayate _is_ normal."

"I wasn't talking about _that_ dog. Black Hayate is intelligent and extremely competent. Unfortunately, I can't always say the same for my _other _dog."

* * *

**Note:** There are several omake for this chapter, and they'll be posted on the forum as soon as the chapter is up, so go check! This chapter was written as a birthday present for Italia in August. And yes, by this point, Alfons and Wil are actually married. I'm rubbish at writing weddings, so don't expect to see that up anytime soon. This chapter probably takes place at some point in March or April - probably before Vegas.


	16. Change of Plans

_Schadenfreude_  
**"Change of Plans"**  
**Characters:** Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye  
**Pairings:** Roy/Riza  
**Chapter Rating:** T  
**Word Count:** 838

* * *

"We need to talk," Riza said, walking over to Roy in the second-floor staff lounge.

"We're still at lunch."

"We can't talk right now," she muttered, irritation evident in her voice, though Roy had no idea what he'd done wrong.

"Would after work suit you? We could stop by the café or Devil's Nest, if you prefer…"

Riza shook her head. "I think that either your apartment or mine would be better, sir."

Without waiting for a response, Riza left the staff room. "Stop calling me 'sir', Riza!" Roy called after her. "One of these days, I'll get her to stop that…"

-x-x-x-

"I'm not signing the papers until you explain just why you want this annulment." No way was he going to let this end up like last time, when she left him without any explanation.

Riza looked around Roy's apartment with one eyebrow arched. "Your apartment is certainly… cleaner than I remember."

"The last time you were here, we were both extremely hung-over from being extremely drunk the night before," Roy offered by way of explanation. Belatedly, he realised that perhaps this would work out better if he acted like he had some inclination of politesse toward this woman, and so he added, "Do you want anything to drink? I have…" he checked the fridge, "beer."

Riza shook her head. "No, thank you."

"Do you mind if I…?" he motioned to the open fridge.

"Go ahead."

Roy took out a beer, pouring it into a clean glass. "So… you wanted to talk? Feel free to sit," he added as an afterthought.

Riza glanced around the apartment before saying, "Maybe we should both go into the living room, s– Roy?"

He knew that something was off, she'd used his _name_, his _first_ name without any prompting at all, so he nodded.

Five minutes later, they were both rather comfortable on his couch, sitting in an uncomfortable silence.

Roy spoke first, as always. "What did you want to talk about, Riza?"

Riza hesitated, wondering how to phrase this. "You remember, of course, the events that took place over spring break?"

"Of course," Roy replied. How could he forget?

"It turns out that there are some further… complications."

"Oh?"

"It's not about the annulment. I have the papers drawn up right now; they're on my desk at home."

Of course they were. "Go on."

"Well, the events that occurred that particular night caused a certain… side-effect."

"What kind of side-effect?"

"Roy, I implore you to think about what occurred on that night."

Roy thought. "We got drunk and got married."

"What else?"

"I assume that we had sex."

Riza didn't reply, instead she merely fixed him with a look.

"Oh."

"You see, sir, due to events that happened many years ago, I thought it best to inform you."

"Of course."

"I've also decided that, due to –"

"You're not getting rid of it," Roy ordered.

"I assure you that if that had been my intention, I wouldn't have bothered telling you."

"Why did you tell me?"

"I thought about it over the course of a few days, and decided that the best course of action would be to tell you, and offer you the chance to be an active part of the baby's life."

"I see."

"And it certainly wouldn't do to have the baby grow up with parents who divorced before it was born."

She was offering to stay married to him? "So… if I agree to be a part of the baby's life… you'll stay married to me?"

"I hope that isn't too much to ask."

Roy grinned. "You say that like I haven't wanted to marry you and have a family with you since I was seventeen."

Riza rolled her eyes, though she was smiling slightly. "This is a big responsibility, Roy. I only want you to agree if you think that you can handle it."

"Of course I can handle it!"

"That means that you'll have to cut down on the number of nights you spend at the bar…"

"I'd gladly spend every night with you instead."

"I'm serious, Roy."

"So am I. You've just made me the happiest man alive, you know that?"

Riza smiled as Roy wrapped his arms around her in a hug, though she couldn't help but remember another time where he'd said the exact same thing.

"We'll have to get a house – we can't raise a kid in an apartment building – especially not _this_ apartment building. And we'll have to get… less flashy cars. And we'll have to make a nursery. Oh, God, and we have to buy rings – we don't even have wedding rings, Riza! And we have to tell Chris! And you know, Havoc and Hughes are going to have a huge fight over who gets to be the godfather… we need to decide who to pick. God, I'll never hear the end of it from Hughes or Fullmetal, but it doesn't matter. I love you."

Hesitantly, Riza wrapped her arms around Roy, too. "I love you, too."

* * *

**Note:** I said there'd be Royai, didn't I? Did you think I was going to leave it at Riza leaving him? I'm not that cruel. XD

Both of us will be in France from tomorrow until the 17th, so we may be a bit slow on replies. French keyboards are different enough from American keyboards to cause difficulty typing, especially when you never look at the keys (like Iggy). However, as always, reviews are appreciated and critique is valued.


	17. Why I Shouldn't Have Let You In

_Schadenfreude_  
**"Why I Shouldn't Have Let You In"**  
**Characters:** Ross Muhlfeld, Eduard Heidrich, mentioned Liesa Hauser, mentioned Rosalie Muhlfeld, mentioned Wilhelmine Raskoph  
**Pairings:** past Eduard/Liesa, one-sided (?) Ross/Liesa, one-sided Eduard/Wil  
**Chapter Rating:** T+  
**Word Count:** 815

* * *

"Why, yes, of course you can come in, Eduard," Ross drawled when Eduard entered his kitchen at nine AM.

"Rosalie let me in."

"Any reason you're here?"

"You know that girl I was seeing? Taller than you, blonde, glasses…?"

"Elisabeth?"

"I broke up with her last night."

"_What_?"

Eduard shrugged. "It just wasn't working out."

"It wasn't working out? Last week you were crazy about her."

"Yeah, well…" Eduard shrugged again. "You got any milk?"

"You can attempt to be polite."

Eduard rolled his eyes and opened Ross's fridge to get the carton of milk himself.

"_Please_ don't drink that from the carton, Eduard, it's disgusting."

"Fine, fine." Eduard got himself a glass and filled it with milk. "Dear god, you're a mess."

"_I'm_ a mess? Are you _drunk_?"

"…A little."

Ross sighed. "What did you want, Eduard?"

"Right. I was thinking of asking Wilhelmine out."

"Are you stoned as well as drunk? You can't do that."

"Why not?"

"There are two possible outcomes. The first is that she rejects you –"

Eduard snorted. "No girl can resist me."

"And I'd be left cleaning up after you and making sure that you don't kill yourself. _Or_, she might accept you, thou–"

"She'll definitely accept me! Bread?"

Ross rolled his eyes. "In the bread-box. Anyway, if, by some miracle, she accepts you, you'll end up practically killing Alfons."

"So?"

"_So_, he's your younger brother, and he's been in love with her since _I've_ known him, and seeing you with her would kill him."

"Why?"

"He's in love with her, and you're his brother. It's really not that hard to figure out."

"He'd deal with it."

"He's your brother. He's the only family that you have left, and you're saying that you'd be willing to hurt him?"

"Ross, you don't understand! Wil is _hot_."

"I understand that, Eduard. However, that doesn't give you any reason to –"

"She's _hot_ and she deserves someone who knows how to do things."

"For some reason, I think she'd be much more enamoured with Alfons's innocence than your sleaze."

"I'm not sleazy!"

"_How_ far did you get with Elisabeth?"

"All the way."

"What?"

"Yup. Last night."

"And then you broke up with her?"

"Well, I wasn't going to break up with her _before_ we had sex!"

"How long did you go out with her?"

"I dunno, a few weeks, maybe."

"Two weeks. Two weeks and you _had sex with her_. And she's how old? Thirteen?"

"I thought she was fourteen…"

"Christ, I think I know more about her than you do."

"Well, you _are_ a wimp."

"I'm not a wimp."

"Yes you are. Sitzpinkler."

"It's called being a gentleman, Eduard, perhaps you should try it sometime?"

"How many girlfriends have you had?"

"None, but that's not the point."

"What _is_ the point, Sitzpinkler?"

"The point is that you can't _do that_ to a girl!"

"Well, I did."

"And you should apologise to her."

"Hell no."

"Eduard, the girl's thirteen years old. She's probably _never_ had a boyfriend before, and you're going to leave her with serious issues."

"It's not my problem," Eduard said, dunking a piece of bread into his milk.

"Yes, it is."

"I wasn't trying to use her or anything. I thought she was cute."

"You knew that I liked her."

"That, too."

"So you went out with – and more than probably broke the heart of – a thirteen-year-old girl who you _know_ has probably never had a boyfriend before because you knew that I liked her?"

"Pretty much, yeah. Well… I wasn't gonna like… _do_ anything with her, originally. But she was cute and more than willing."

"You're an ass."

"So. You think I should ask Wil out?"

"I think that if you do, both Alfons and I will murder you."

"I don't see why you care so much."

"Because, Eduard, I _really liked_ Elisabeth, and you just told me that the only reason you went out with her – and _used her_ – was because you knew that I liked her."

"I told you that it wasn't the only reason. She was cute. A bit quiet, and kinda clingy, but cute."

"And that's a reason to use her – _have sex with her_ and then _leave_ her?"

"I wasn't gonna leave her. I told you; it wasn't working out. I couldn't stop thinking about Wil."

"And you realised this before last night?"

"About a week ago, actually."

"Then you should have _told her_. For some reason, I think that she might have understood that you liked someone else."

"And then _you_ would have gone out with her, and that would have just caused drama."

"Eduard?"

"Yes?"

"Please shut the fuck up and leave before I try to murder you."

Eduard laughed and finished his milk and bread. "Fine. I'll give you some time to calm down. Later."

Ross closed his eyes when he heard the front door close. That _idiot_.

* * *

**Note:** Elisabeth is, of course, Liesa. Sitzpinkler is a slang word for wimp, and is further proof that Iggy should probably do her reading for English class before rereading any of John Green's books. And yes, Eduard likes milk. Loves it, actually, and he goes to mass every Sunday. ...He's also 6'4". Edward Elric is suspicious.

Anyway, France was lovely and I miss it already, and I apologise in advance for not replying to reviews this time 'round. Both Italia and I have been utterly swamped with work. Oh, the joys of returning home after a ten-day trip. I will also try very hard to get chapters up for EdWin and AlWin days, though I should warn you that it's most likely going to be HeiWil rather than AlWin, mainly because AlWin doesn't fit in the main story line. This will also cause a reorder of the chapters, which will not be fun, but since I forgot Denial Day, I feel like this is the least I could do. (And if I do manage to write some AlWin, I'm probably going to post some HeiWil on AlWin day as well. Just 'cause.)

Long note is long. As always, we love feedback, and check out the forum, vote in the poll if you haven't already, and if you have, tell us so that we can come up with a new one!


	18. Tot ou Tard

_Schadenfreude_  
**"Tôt ou Tard"**  
**Characters:** Alfons Heidrich, Wilhelmine Raskoph  
**Pairings:** Alfons/Wil  
**Chapter Rating:** T+  
**Word Count:** 1188

* * *

It started out as a perfectly normal day. He'd gotten up, eaten breakfast, gone to school, and now he was at Wil's house, in her room, doing homework.

Lately, though, things had been changing. Of course, he couldn't remember a time when he'd thought of Wil in a completely platonic way – if a vow made as eight-year-olds counted, then he supposed that they were technically engaged – but now… now it was becoming more difficult not to stare at her – when had she become so pretty? She'd always been pretty, of course, but lately, it seemed to Alfons, she'd become absolutely beautiful almost overnight. Her eyes seemed brighter, somehow, an absolutely vibrant shade of blue; her face had lost most of its roundness, which somehow brought his attention to her full lips – at which point he'd inevitably blush, causing her to furrow her brows and ask him what was wrong. She was letting her hair grow longer, too, and now it fell from behind her shoulders, obscuring her face.

She cursed and stood up to rummage through a drawer in her dresser, letting out a small cry of triumph as she held up a hair tie. Without waiting for a response from Alfons, she proceeded to put her hair in a ponytail before sitting back down on her bed next to him.

"One of these days my hair'll get caught in something, and I'll be forced to cut it off."

Alfons opened his mouth to reply, but Wil cut him off.

"I know, I know, why am I letting it get long anyway, right? But if I don't let it grow out, then I'll have to cut it really short, because soon, Granny's gonna let me help her in the shop."

Having already known about this, Alfons smiled. "That's not what I was going to say."

"What were you going to say, then?"

"I was going to say that I think your hair looks prettier long."

Wil blushed slightly and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you."

It was Alfons's turn to blush. "It's true."

Wil grinned and stretched, lying down so that her head was in his lap. "Let's take a break from homework," she declared, purposefully batting her eyelashes at him (though she giggled as she did so; as such, Alfons was unsure if she was honestly attempting to flirt with him).

"Ah… sure," he agreed, reaching over Wil to put his homework to the side.

"Let's play a game!" she proposed with enthusiasm. It was clear to Alfons that she'd been planning this at least since they'd gotten home from school. As such, he wasn't going to refuse.

"Okay. What kind of game?"

"A game of wills!" Wilhelmine proclaimed, sitting up. "Do you think you can handle it?"

"Of course I can handle it!" Alfons declared, sounding a lot more confident than he really was.

"Great!" Wil exclaimed, jumping off of the bed and bounding toward the door, locking it. "Don't want Granny walking in on us," she explained, which only served to make Alfons nervous. She grinned, walking to the bed, grabbing hold of his hands and pulling him down.

To his complete and utter surprise, she kissed him. It wasn't just a peck on the lips, either – lieber Gott, was that her _tongue _in his _mouth_?

A few seconds later, she pulled away, pouting. "Why didn't you kiss me back?"

"A-ah… I… I didn't know I was supposed to?"

Wilhelmine rolled her eyes. "That's the whole point of _kissing_, isn't it?"

…That was one recent development Alfons wasn't so fond of. Wil had always been short-tempered, but lately, she'd been more moody than normal. One wrong thing and she'd get mad at him – and she never got mad at _him_!

"Sorry… I just… I didn't know that you were going to do that."

"It's okay," she assured him, confusing him further. "But this time, at least try to kiss me back, okay?"

"_This _ti–?"

Wil cut him off before the word was out of his mouth, her lips pressed against his, her tongue slipping into his mouth. To her absolute delight, he responded, albeit awkwardly. She grabbed his hands and placed them on either side of her waist before putting her arms around his neck and pulling herself closer to him.

When he pulled away, he was mildly surprised to find that she was beaming.

"Great!" she exclaimed. "That was fun!"

"Great," he echoed, albeit without her enthusiasm.

"What's wrong?"

He couldn't rightly say that nothing was wrong, and he couldn't lie to her… "Why did you just kiss me?"

Wilhelmine grinned. "Because I'm going to be marrying you some day, and that means we're going to kiss, doesn't it?"

"Well, yeah…"

"Then why _wouldn't_ I kiss you?"

"Um… well… we're not technically boyfriend and girlfriend…"

"No, we're not. We're engaged."

They weren't _really_. Just… technically. They'd agreed to get married when they were eight years old. Then again, knowing Wil, she probably had the cathedral booked for the day after he turned eighteen.

"You know what's _weird_?" Wil began, and, though confused, Alfons realised that they were just now getting to the reason why she'd locked the door.

"Ah… no. What?"

Without any word of warning (not that he'd expected any), Wil grabbed Alfons's hands and placed them on top of her breasts.

"Wil… this… really, we shouldn't be doing this…"

"Stop being a baby and feel."

"_Wil_."

"Just do it, Alfons."

"But –"

"I am going to marry you one day, Alfons Heidrich, and you're going to have to do this every day, so you might as well get used to it now."

Alfons was sure that he was now flushed a very deep shade of red, and did nothing.

"No, but seriously, Alfons. Doesn't this feel weird? You know, if you'd just _feel_, you could stop…"

"Wil, I'm sorry, but…"

"Would you rather feel something else?" Wil asked; Alfons had no idea how she was able to look so innocent, especially given the situation.

"U-um… is it… less… appropriate… than this?"

Wil grinned, and hooked her thumbs in the belt loops of her jeans.

Alfons, sensing danger, did the smartest thing he could think to do in the situation: he felt Wil up and prayed to God that Eduard never _ever_ found out about this.

After about a minute, Alfons thought that it would probably be safe to take his hands off of his best friend's/"fiancée's" chest.; apparently appeased, Wil grinned. "Thank you~!"

"U-um… yeah."

Wil giggled and ruffled his hair, kissing his cheek. "You are _so_ _adorable_ when you blush, mein Liebe."

This, of course, only caused Alfons's blush to intensify.

"Tell you what. Let's go downstairs and see if there are any cookies to steal."

How could she just go back to normal after that? That shouldn't be possible!

"…Or we could work on homework?" Wil suggested.

"How about we hunt for cookies and then do homework?"

Wil grinned and grabbed his hand, leading him out of her room and down to the kitchen. One thing was for sure: girls just got more confusing as they got older.

* * *

**Note:** Alfons and Wil are about twelve, maybe thirteen here. We're, ah, not entirely sure if this fits within the T rating of the fic. Our reasoning is that this could fit in a PG-13 movie, and therefore, should be able to work in a T-rated fic. That being said, EdWin Day, AlWin day, and Royai day are kind of screwing up our posting plans, insofar as what we have scheduled. And before anyone asks, we discussed whether to do anything for RoyEd day, and ultimately decided not to. (Actually, that's not entirely true, as RoyEd day falls on one of our best friend's birthday, so we're probably going to write something for her.)

That being said, happy AlWin day, everyone! (And the EdWin chapter will clearly be up late - but still up. Rehearsal has been eating Iggy's life, and homework has been eating Italia's life, so we haven't had much time.)


	19. Girlfriend?

_Schadenfreude_  
**"Girlfriend?"**  
**Characters:** Ross Muhlfeld, Liesa Hauser, Alix Hesse (minor character)  
**Pairings:** Ross/Liesa, Ross/Alix  
**Chapter Rating:** T+  
**Word Count:** 678

* * *

"Why is _she_ here?"

Ross looked from Alix to Liesa. "Äh… Liesa, you know Alix, my _girlfriend_? And Alix, I'm sure that you know my _best friend_, Liesa, don't you?"

The girls merely glared at each other. Ross sighed.

"She's a freshman, isn't she?" Liesa asked, arching an eyebrow. "Ross, you know that _you_ could get _any_ girl in the school. You don't need to go beneath you."

"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!"

"Don't talk to _me_ like I'm your inferior!"

"You're just jealous that Ross doesn't want you!"

Liesa smirked. "Ross doesn't want me? Is that honestly what you think?"

"Lies, come on," Ross pleaded.

"Ross, if I asked you, you'd take me _right here_, wouldn't you?"

"T-that's a completely inappropriate question!"

"You would."

"Liesa."

"Okay, maybe not right _here_, but you'd certainly take me." Liesa turned to Alix. "You listen to me, little girl. Ross wants me, but I don't want to have a relationship with him, and he's opposed to casual sex. That's the only reason he's dating you; because he can't have _me_."

"Liesa," Ross implored, "stop it."

"It's not true, anyway, is it, Ross?"

Ross didn't respond, and Liesa's smirk grew.

"I just thought that I should warn you."

"Liesa, I need to talk to you. Now."

Liesa rolled her eyes and followed Ross upstairs.

"Yes?"

"What the hell was that for?"

"Well, I just thought that she should know."

"You're not… jealous, are you?"

Liesa snorted and rolled her eyes. "Hardly."

"Because… if you were… I'd break up with her in a heartbeat."

"Would you tell her that? That if I'd have you, you'd leave her?"

"No… But… Liesa, I really do care about you."

"I know."

"And I'd love for you to be my girlfriend."

"I know, Ross, but it's not going to happen."

"Then why shouldn't I date other girls?"

"Because. You shouldn't go out with a girl when you're not even going to give her a chance."

Ross sighed. "I know. But… you say that like any other girl could hold a candle to you."

Liesa frowned. "You deserve someone who can trust you… someone who's not so screwed up."

"But I _want_ you."

"I know you do."

"You know… if you'd just give me a chance –"

"I can't."

"You wouldn't even have to trust me, Lies. I can wait. I'll earn your trust. But I'd do anything to be able to call you my girlfriend and take you out on dates and spoil you." He reached for her hands, holding them close to him. "Please."

She bit her bottom lip. "I can't, Ross. And I'm so sorry, but –"

"You _can_, but you won't. Why not? I care about you; I'd treat you like a princess… you mean so much to me, Liesa. Please."

She didn't respond.

"And if you can honestly say that you don't like me, at least not like that, then I'll stop."

"Ross. You're so sweet, and smart, and _gorgeous_, and you deserve someone a hell of a lot better than me. And I'm sorry, but my opinion on that fact isn't going to change."

"But you're –"

"_Stop_."

Ross frowned. "Fine." He lifted Liesa's hands to his lips and kissed them. "But you'll always be my first choice, Liesa. And if you ever decide that you can be in a relationship with me, I'll be here."

His words and actions left her searching for the right words to reply. He smiled. "Well, I might as well tell Alix that we won't make the movie and I'll walk her home. Are you spending the night?"

Liesa shook her head.

Ross looked slightly disappointed, but hid it behind another smile. "Okay. Just do me a favour and wait for me to come back so that I can walk you home, all right?"

Liesa nodded. Ross let go of her hands and kissed her cheek. "I'll be back."

With that, he went downstairs, leaving Liesa trying to comprehend what had just happened – and why he had had such an effect on her.

* * *

**Note:** Ross has a girlfriend and Liesa is jealous. She'll seem like a lot less of a bitch if you read her monologue that's been posted on the forum, I promise. Also, happy Royai day, everyone! I'll try to have something actually featuring Roy and Riza (rather than alter!Roy and alter!Riza) and actually romantic up later tonight, or at least this week.


	20. When It's Time

_Schadenfreude_  
**"When It's Time"**  
**Characters:** Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye  
**Pairings:** Royai  
**Chapter Rating:** T+  
**Word Count:** 418

* * *

Two years and nine months. For some reason, the nine months made him more comfortable than rounding up to a year. Probably because she was only fourteen.

Her father would kill him if he found out. Brutally. They'd never find his remains. Maybe he'd deserve it. After all, he'd been sixteen the first time they'd kissed. Almost seventeen when he'd found her hands wandering. He _was_ seventeen the first time any clothes fame off – though it had been _her_ who had pulled _his _pants down.

Really, age aside, he couldn't be blamed for any of it. He was a teenage guy, for god's sake; she was a _very_ pretty teenage girl. Why would he refuse his girlfriend's advances? He'd tried, at first. Chaste kisses for the first two months or so; until she'd slipped her tongue into his mouth. Her hands were the first to wander, and he'd gently moved them away, at first.

Her father would never believe it. He was seventeen, a hormonal teenage boy; she was fourteen, and a straight-A student. Really, who _would_ believe him? Havoc, maybe, but only because he knew Riza, knew how… dominant she could be. After all, Riza had told him all about _her_ very first kiss. How she'd cornered him and demanded that he kiss her – only to have them both absolutely disgusted with the feeling that they'd just kissed their sibling.

Roy, however, was a different matter entirely. Riza had no qualms whatsoever with doing anything with him. If anything, it was the other way around.

At any rate, they'd been going out for almost a year, and he'd managed to talk her out of having sex so far, though she'd been getting more and more insistent, and really, what kind of guy doesn't want to have sex with his very pretty girlfriend? Just last night, Chris had asked him what was wrong with him. _Chris_. Of all people.

He'd honestly lost count of the amount of times he'd had to explain, "No, I'm _not_ gay, she's just _fourteen_."

That was it. It wasn't like he didn't love her; it was just that she was _fourteen_, even if she acted older than most girls in his grade.

Maybe when she turned fifteen, and then there was only a two-year gap between them…

Then again, with the way things were going now… well, maybe Havoc's suggestion of keeping condoms in his Mustang wasn't such a bad idea.

…Especially not since she was already working on taking his pants off.

* * *

**Note:** I wrote this in class one day and let it sit in disuse in my binder. I thought that maybe I should type it up and upload it for Royai day.


	21. Too Much Too Soon

_Schadenfreude_  
**"Too Much Too Soon"**  
**Characters:** Eduard Heidrich, Ross Muhlfeld, Liesa Hauser, Stefan Habicht, Alfons Heidrich  
**Pairings:** Ross/Liesa, implied onesided Eduard/Ross, implied onesided Eduard/Wil, onesided Stefan/Eduard, Alfons/Wil  
**Chapter Rating:** T+  
**Word Count:** 2,600

* * *

It was disgusting, if you asked Eduard. Ross sat on the couch, Liesa pulled onto his lap, him holding her close, nuzzling her neck… disgusting. What's more, being with this girl – who seemed completely trashy – made Ross happy; happier than he could ever remember being, according to him. This girl who wore too-tight clothes (with not very much to show off, Eduard added mentally), low cut tops, short skirts, and too-high heels (Gott, half of them made her taller than Ross). Eduard was sure that he wasn't the only one who thought that she looked easy. But Ross loved her – he _loved_ her and she was just _using_ him, no idea how gottverdammt _lucky_ she was… it made Eduard sick. Ross was a great guy, and he was completely in love with this girl, and she just… treated him like shit. What was worse was that Ross didn't seem to mind at all – he just wanted to be close to her. She was only using him for sex – only with him because of the way he treated her, but he didn't _care_. He still held her and kissed her and spoiled her – even though she didn't like him, let alone love him. Eduard would have given anything –

No. It was really better not to go down that metaphorical road. Still, they both _knew_, and they still acted this was _right in front of Eduard_.

"I'm leaving," Eduard announced, standing up. "I've got to, äh, go to work." He didn't, but neither Ross nor Liesa needed to know that. Eduard just needed to leave, to think…

"Sure," Ross responded, looking up and flashing Eduard an absolutely _gorgeous_ smile. Liesa was so gottverdammt lucky – she had no idea. "See you around – and don't get jumped by any of the nurses while you're on the clock."

The nurses don't like him – he's too distant, too hard to reach. If they like him at all, it's only because he's physically attractive – they'd just want sex. "Yeah, see you," Eduard responded, swallowing the lump in his throat as Ross kissed Liesa's neck and whispered something in her ear, which made her roll her eyes.

"Goodbye," Liesa groaned, out of politesse and for Ross's satisfaction. She hated Eduard.

Still, he forced himself to nod as he left the room, stopping only to put on his coat and shove his feet into his boots.

When he stepped outside, he realised that he didn't want to be alone – not now, when Ross was probably necking Liesa (if Eduard were honest, Ross was probably doing more than that, now that they were alone). Then it hit him: he'd call Stefan. The guy'd trip over his feet hurrying to meet up with Eduard. Eduard started to walk home before calling him.

"Hello?" The boy was trying to sound nonchalant – trying, but failing.

"Hey," Eduard replied easily, smirking, though he knew Stefan couldn't see it. "It's Eduard." Stefan already knew, but Eduard decided to mess with the kid a little.

"O-oh. Hi."

"Wanna hook up? I'm off today; you could come over my place." He sounded like he didn't care, probably because he didn't.

"Sure." Stefan sounded like he was forcing himself to remain calm. "I'll be over in ten minutes.

Eduard wondered if Stefan knew. "Great. See you then."

"Okay."

Eduard hung up, wasting no time on goodbyes, as Stefan inevitably would. By this time, he'd reached his house. He unlocked the door and went inside. It didn't occur to him that he was acting worse than Liesa – at least Ross knew what he was dealing with.

-x-x-x-

Eduard wondered why Stefan always wanted to cuddle afterward. It was meaningless – at least to Eduard. Stefan's head was on his chest, his arms wrapped around him. Eduard hated to be so close to anyone – let alone this kid. Kid. Eduard realised that he didn't even know how old Stefan _was_. He could be thrown into prison.

'"Hey, Stefan?"

"Yes, Eduard?"

Eduard tried not to cringe at the way the boy said his name – it was much too close to the way his ex-girlfriend would say his brother's name for any comfort to be had. Still, he needed to ask. "How old are you?"

Stefan shifted a bit, not replying immediately. "I'm… eighteen?"

"Eighteen?"

"Yeah."

Eighteen. The kid was _eighteen years old_. Eduard was twenty-two. That couldn't have been entirely legal. At least… god, Eduard had been just short of eighteen when they'd… met. Maybe Ross had a point.

"Eduard?"

"Yeah?"

"You're not mad, are you?"

"Why would I be mad?" Besides the fact that you could have gotten me _arrested_ for sleeping with a minor.

"I told you that I was almost seventeen when we met."

He had? Eduard had no memory of that, but it hardly mattered now.

"Eduard? Are you okay?"

"'M fine." Or he _would_ be if this kid would _stop_ saying his name like that. "Doesn't matter now."

"Oh. Good. I was worried that you might get mad if you found out." Stefan snuggled in closer to Eduard. Was this kid _trying_ to torture him?

"Eduard?"

Eduard wondered why Stefan seemed to want to say his name with such alarming frequency. "What is it?"

"I love you."

_What_? Eduard had known that Stefan _liked_ him, but _love_? The kid was eighteen years old for god's sake!

"You _love_ me?"

Stefan nodded. "Uh-huh. I mean…" He trailed off, and Eduard suspected that he was blushing from the amount of heat that his cheeks were giving off.

How had this happened? Sure the kid _liked_ him; he knew that – but what had Eduard done to make Stefan _love_ him? As far as he was aware, he'd only had sex with the guy – and he almost certainly had never had an actual _conversation_ with him, either.

Moreover, what the hell could he _tell_ the kid? Stefan loved him, and Eduard knew firsthand what it was like to love someone and have them be so completely in love with someone else. He wouldn't wish that on _Liesa_, as much as he disliked her, and yet this kid…

"Eduard?"

"Hmm?"

"It's okay if you don't love me," he whispered. "I understand."

"It's not that…" It was exactly that, but he couldn't just _say_ that, not with the politesse that Wil and Alfons and Ross had drilled into his brain.

"Eduard, please don't lie to me. If you don't love me, it's fine; I just wanted you to know how I feel."

"_Why_?" It was out of his mouth before Eduard could help it. "Look, I _know_ what it's like to love someone who isn't in love with you, and normal people don't just _tell_ them, just so they _know._ God, Ross is the only one I know that's crazy enough to do that, and it took him close to four fucking years to admit it! And you know what happened? He got his heart broken, just… he'd done everything for this girl, and she just completely ignored him, telling him that he'd had too much to drink. And it wasn't even just so she'd _know_, because she _knew_, even if he never said it. I mean, what kind of guy dates a bunch of hot girls and doesn't even kiss a single one of them goodnight, let alone fuck them? No, you don't tell someone that you love them just so they _know_."

"…Do you have any idea what it's like holding that _in_? I didn't expect you to say that you love me back, Eduard."

"Then why the fuck did you tell me?"

"I just wanted you to know."

"Is there anything else you want me to know? Do you have a pair of illegitimate kids floating around or something? Because, _believe me_, that's more believable than you telling me that you love me just so I _know_."

"Look, just because _you_ wouldn't do that doesn't mean that I don't have a legitimate reason!"

Eduard was mildly taken aback that the boy had snapped at him. He _had_ to be upset that Eduard didn't return his feelings, no matter what he said.

"I'll be back in a few minutes," Eduard muttered, sliding out of bed and heading downstairs.

This was just fucking ridiculous. Even if Stefan _did_ love him, there was absolutely no reason for him to have _told_ Eduard. What, did he expect Eduard to say "I love you, too" and for them to have a fucking happily ever after?

Surely the kid had to have noticed that Eduard was in love with someone else (well, _two_ someones). He knew that he wasn't exactly being subtle. _Liesa_ noticed, for God's sake.

He sighed, going into the kitchen and fixing himself a glass of milk and grabbing some stew out of the fridge. How was he going to handle this? He couldn't exactly say "I think you're annoying and clingy and a pain in the ass, and the only reason I even put up with you is because you're good in bed," even though that was the honest truth. Alfons, Wil, and Ross would kill him. And Johan. Especially Johan. (And from what Eduard had heard, Stefan's sister wasn't exactly opposed to kicking guys' asses, and Eduard wasn't about to fight a girl).

Why did Stefan even have to say anything? Couldn't he have just left it at "God, you're hot," or "Oh, hey, by the way, I'm eighteen"?

Eduard reasoned that he probably wasn't helping the situation any, but it was either milk and stew or a freak out, and he knew that Stefan didn't really deserve that, even if he was clingy and annoying. Besides, the last thing anyone wanted was the person they loved screaming at them for being in love with them. Eduard knew that firsthand.

He wondered if this necessitated a call to Alfons. If anyone could help him out at this point, it would be his little brother.

Finishing his milk and stew, Eduard decided that it would be best to have Stefan go home so that he could call Alfons and calm down.

With that, he went back to his bedroom, where, to his surprise, Stefan was sitting on the bed, fully dressed.

"I guess this is the part where you kick me out and never speak to me again? God knows I've done it."

That comment struck Eduard as a bit strange, but he shrugged it off, making a mental note to ask Johan later. Eduard shook his head, "No, this is the part where I ask you to home so that I can think things over."

"Are you actually going to think this over, or are you just saying that?"

"I'm actually going to think this over. I've been in your position enough times to know that that's the best option."

Stefan looked mildly surprised, but nodded. "Okay. Just... call me once you figure it out, okay? And not just because you want to get laid."

"Okay," Eduard agreed, going to his dresser and finding some boxers and a t-shirt.

"Eduard?"

"What?"

"Thanks. For, ah... thinking this over. Honestly, if I were in your position – when I _was_ in your position, I'd have either lied and said 'I love you' back, or never spoken to me again."

"Yeah, well... I think the amount of ass-kicking I'd get if I did that would negate the convenience of not thinking it over."

Stefan gave him a small smile before leaving.

Eduard looked at the clock. It was half past one in the afternoon. Alfons was probably awake (though Eduard didn't want to consider what he was probably doing; hopefully he was eating or something _not_ involving Wil in a sexual manner).

After a few minutes, Eduard successfully located his mobile phone, and dialed his brother's number.

"Hallo?" Alfons asked. "Eduard?"

He didn't sound out of breath or annoyed, which was good. "Ah... hi."

He could practically _hear_ Alfons frowning. "What's wrong?"

"Um... Stefan may have told me that he loves me."

Alfons sighed. "And let me guess, you freaked out?"

"No, actually," Eduard informed him. "I went downstairs and thought about it while I had some milk. It's not his fault; I didn't want to yell at him."

"Well... that's... actually very responsible of you, Eduard."

"Thanks." Even though sometimes he wished that Alfons would treat him as an _older_ brother, not a _younger_ brother, as he normally did.

"Do you need advice?"

"Ah... yeah. I don't know what to do."

"You could tell him the truth..." Alfons suggested. "I mean, you're in love with two people already, and you're not ready for a relationship again, emotionally."

"But then he'll _wait_."

"Is that so bad, Eduard? From everything I've heard about the guy, he seems like a good person."

"I don't want to date him, though. He's too clingy."

"Clingy's better than controlling," Alfons reminded him. Like Wil didn't control him... then again, maybe she didn't. It was _Alfons_ after all.

"Look, he's like... he's like Luna!"

Alfons sighed. "If anyone's like Luna, it's Liesa, and you know it."

"But I _like_ Luna," Eduard whined. "But whatever. He's like Pansy, then."

"And you're Draco?"

"_Yes_," Eduard explained impatiently.

"I thought you were Harry?"

"...But no one's clingy toward Harry."

"...Ginny is."

"But he _marries_ Ginny," Eduard argued.

Alfons sighed. "Look, can we quit it with the Harry Potter analogies? He's clingy. I get it."

"And I don't want someone clingy."

"Okay..."

"But I don't want to _hurt_ him. I mean, not if he's in love with me."

"Then tell him that. Tell him that you're sorry, but you're not in the emotional place right now for a relationship, and that you _really_ don't want to hurt him, but you can't return his feelings."

"What if he gets mad?"

"Then he gets mad, Eduard. Besides, I thought you didn't care about him?"

"I don't but he's _great_ in bed, and gives the _best_ blow jobs I've ever had."

Alfons sighed, again. Really, that was _much_ too much information. "Then tell him that, too. Just be honest. The worst thing that can happen is that he gets upset and refuses to sleep with you anymore."

"...You're really no help today," Eduard muttered.

"I'm sorry, but I'm kind of exhausted. Wil kept me up all night."

"_I didn't need to know that_!" Eduard whined.

"Not like _that_, Eduard. She had me go all over town for some fish custard."

"Fish custard?"

"You wouldn't believe how hard it is to get _just_ the right custard and _just_ the right fish fingers. According to Wil, at least."

Eduard winced. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay; don't worry about it. Look, just tell Stefan the truth; he should understand, okay?"

"Okay."

"I'll talk to you later."

"Okay."

"Tchüs, älterer Bruder."

"Tchüs."

...Well that was really no help at all.

* * *

**Note**: And so we finally introduce Stefan. The idea of fish custard is from Doctor Who (S05E01), and consists of fish fingers and custard. Apparently it's not half bad in moderation. But why does Wil want them? Well, you'll find out eventually.

And I hope everyone realises that, since this is in limited third person (Eduard), his opinions are subjective, and therefore, he thinks that Liesa's only using Ross, when this is clearly not the case. And yes, Eduard is a Potternerd. _Someone_ had to be. I mean, Ross and Liesa love LotR, Alfons and Alphonse are otaku... we needed a Potternerd.

That being said, reviews and con-crit (especially con-crit) are dearly appreciated. (Especially since Iggy just got her wisdom teeth out yesterday and has to sit around the house all weekend). (Also. Two Green Day titles in a row. Iggy is original.)


	22. I Must Be Dreaming

_Schadenfreude_  
**"I Must Be Dreaming"**  
**Characters:** Jean Havoc, Rebecca Catalina  
**Pairings: **Havoc/Rebecca  
**Chapter Rating:** T  
**Word Count:** 208

* * *

Jean woke up to the smell of strawberries. Blearily opening his eyes, he saw cascading dark curls in front of him.

Oh. That was right. He'd been at the bar last night and went home with a gorgeous brunette. Or, at least, she'd seemed gorgeous last night. Jean hoped that he hadn't made some sort of huge mistake.

He tried to find a clock, and, once he'd found one, he discovered that he had less than a half hour to be at work. Damn.

He tried to extract his arms from around her, and only succeeded in waking her up.

She turned around, screaming when she locked eyes with him.

Well, fuck.

"Havoc! What the fuck are you doing here?"

"What does it look like, Catalina? I guess I came home with you last night. Fuck, I should've known that alcohol would mess with my ability to judge a girl's hotness."

"Tch, you _wish_, Havoc."

"No, _you_ wish, Catalina. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get home and take a shower. Who knows _what_ I've got all over me now."

"Good luck with that, Havoc."

"Why's that, Catalina?"

"I live on the other side of town."

"...Fuck."

* * *

**Note:** So apparently we went almost two months without updating. What. Um. Sorry about that, but we're going to make it up to you! Right now, I'm working on fleshing out the next chapter, and then onward from there. We already have a few written (or mostly-written), so yeah.

This was supposed to be MUCH longer, but, um, yeah. Two months? It's not even like we've been doing things. (Unless you count Italia's suicidal decision to take AP Lang & Comp, AP Calc, and AP US History all in one year and try to keep an A average - and thus do all of the summer work before the week before school). School doesn't start for us until 6 Sept, so hopefully we'll manage to get another chapter or two up in that time.


	23. Solonge Ich Dich Hab

_Schadenfreude_  
**"Solange ich dich hab"**  
**Characters:** Alfons Heidrich, Wilhelmine Raskoph Heidrich, minor characters  
**Pairings:** Alfons, Wilhelmine  
**Chapter Rating:** T+  
**Word Count**: 2,008

* * *

"Alfons."

"Mnh"

"Alfons."

"Nngh."

"Alfons!"

"Whazzit?"

"It's seven-thirty."

Alfons blinked sleepily and propped himself up on his arm. "What?"

"It's seven-thirty. You have class in half an hour."

"Scheiße! Gott, I have to get ready..."

Alfons made to get out of bed, only to be stopped by a fit of coughing.

Wilhelmine frowned. "I don't think you're in any fit state to go anywhere."

"I can't miss class! Gott, Wil, it's –"

Alfons was cut off by another coughing fit.

"You're staying home."

Alfons shook his head. "Nein... Wil... I can't..."

Wilhelmine glared at him. "Alfons, I'm not letting you leave this apartment. Get back in bed; I'll make you something to eat."

"Wil..."

"What do you want for breakfast? And I can make you some coffee or tea..."

"Wil, I need to go to class."

"I'm not letting you. You can get your notes from someone."

"I'm _fine_, Wil."

"You're not. You're staying in bed. I'll make you an appointment with your doctor, and I'm not letting you out of bed until an hour before that. Do you understand me?"

Alfons's aquamarine eyes met Wilhelmine's sapphire. "There's no way that I can change your mind, is there?"

"None at all."

Alfons sighed and lied back down. "Fine. But Wil..."

"No 'buts', Alfons," Wilhelmine ordered. "What do you want to eat?"

"Äh... I don't really care..."

"I'll surprise you, then," Wilhelmine decided, brushing Alfons's bangs aside and kissing his forehead before going out into the kitchen.

-x-x-x-

"I'm doing this because I love you," Wil said firmly, sitting down next to Alfons on the bed.

"But I'm _fine_, Wil."

Wilhelmine arched an eyebrow as Alfons began another coughing fit. "I'm sure."

"I should've gone to class."

"You only have one class today. You can afford to miss it for your health."

"But I'm _fine_."

"You're not." Wilhelmine moved closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder, wrapping an arm around him.

"Wil…"

"This is how it started _last__time_, remember? By all accounts, Alfons, you should have _died_ then. And you can't leave me again."

"Oh."

"So just… please…"

"Okay," Alfons agreed, wrapping his arms around her. "So what time is my appointment?"

"Three-thirty."

"And what time is it now?"

"Almost two."

"Okay. I still need to get a shower and get dressed, so I think that in about a half-hour I should start getting ready…"

"I'll help you."

"Wil…"

"I'm worried about you with that cough. I'm not letting you out of my sight."

"To the point of getting a shower with me?"

"You know, any other guy would be delighted that his wife wanted to get a shower with him…"

"It's not that I'm not delighted! I just… don't think that it's completely necessary, Liebling. Besides, we never seem to get any actual _bathing_ done when we shower together…" Alfons trailed off, a faint blush colouring his cheeks.

"Well, we will this time," Wilhelmine said in a tone that clearly stated that the discussion was closed.

-x-x-x-

"I haven't seen you in a while, Mr. Heidrich."

Alfons laughed nervously. "Heh… yeah… I know…"

"Did you go to see the pulmonologist that I referred you to?"

"Äh… you see, it turned out that I had classes on the day of the appointment…"

Alfons's doctor sighed. "What seems to be the problem, Mr. Heidrich?"

"Nothing! My wife just made me –" Alfons began coughing, forcing him to stop mid-sentence.

"He's been coughing," Wilhelmine said. "A lot. And he overslept this morning as well. And Alfons _never_ oversleeps."

"And I _told_ you that I was fine, Wil…"

"You're _not_ fine. And what's this about a pulmonologist?"

"I'm fine, Wil."

"You're going to reschedule that appointment. Otherwise, I'll just sleep in the guest room for a while."

"You love to torture me, don't you?"

"I just want to make sure that you're healthy."

"I'm sure," Alfons drawled.

"I mean it, Alfons."

"…I know."

-x-x-x-

"I made the appointment," Alfons announced when Wilhelmine came back from grocery shopping that evening. Normally, this was Alfons's task, but as he was currently under doctor's orders to rest, Wilhelmine had gone instead; Alfons knew that this would mean next to no sweets, which didn't make him all that happy. "It's the day after tomorrow at nine."

To his surprise, Wil cuddled up next to him on the couch and handed him a chocolate bar. "Thank you, meine Liebe," she whispered, kissing his cheek.

Alfons wrapped an arm around her. "I don't want to worry you, Wil."

His wife sighed and kissed his cheek. "Thank you," she repeated. "I love you so much, Alfons; I don't know what I'd do without you."

"I love you, too, Wil," he murmured, putting the chocolate bar down, and leaning in to kiss her.

-x-x-x-

Wilhelmine sighed contentedly as she lay cuddled up next to Alfons. "That was amazing." She kissed him deeply and slowly. "Not that I expected anything less, meine Liebe."

Alfons couldn't help but smile. "Thanks..."

"Wait, it was great for you, too, right?" Wilhelmine asked, suddenly unsure. "If not, I can –"

"It was wonderful, Wil," he assured her.

"Alfons, it wouldn't be a problem; I _like_ –"

"Wil, that was _wonderful;_ I mean that." He sighed and kissed her softly, gently brushing her bangs out of her face.

Wilhelmine laughed. "You know, most guys would jump at that opportunity."

"Maybe, but I love you, and I'm perfectly content to lay here and cuddle with you right now."

"I suppose that I can't argue with that, meine Liebe," Wil murmured, kissing his jaw.

"...Did that violate my doctor's orders to rest?"

Wilhelmine sighed, snuggling into her husband. "Maybe, if you had been the one on top."

-x-x-x-

By dinner the next day, Alfons could not wait for his appointment. Wilhelmine had taken the day off, which was really very lovely in itself, but his cough had only become worse, and he'd managed to get a fever (it was low, thank God; he didn't know what Wilhelmine would do if he had a high fever). He slept for half the day, consequently missing his classes for the day, but it wasn't like he would have been allowed out of the apartment, anyway.

"You need to get up by eight tomorrow," Wilhelmine reminded him as she cooked dinner (like grocery shopping, this was usually Alfons's job, but Wilhelmine seemed determined to not let him to anything but sit on the couch, read, and watch television). "You should probably get to bed early... and... ah..."

"...We probably shouldn't have sex tonight?" he ventured.

"Ah... yeah..." She didn't sound terribly pleased with it, but, then again, neither was he. Catching the look on his face, she went over to him to kiss his forehead. "I love you."

Alfons smiled softly at her. "I love you, too." Really, he reasoned, he was actually very lucky to have Wilhelmine. She clearly loved him and didn't mind doing whatever she thought might make his life a little bit easier. Besides... what if he were actually sick? Not just _sick_; he already knew that he at least had something wrong with him at the moment... but actually... sick like he had been before.

Sure, maybe Wil was overreacting, but last time... last time they'd all just shrugged it off as a cold. It had started as a cough, after all, and coughs could be persistent without any major medical complications... considering what it _had_ been, it was really no wonder that Wilhelmine was reacting this way. He was certain that he'd be acting just the same way were their positions switched.

"Did you call Eduard?" he asked. He hadn't told his brother; he didn't want to worry him in case it really _was_ nothing. Knowing Eduard, he'd get on the next plane from Munich and show up at their doorstep unannounced. If this turned out to be something serious, then his brother's support would be wonderful... but he really didn't want Eduard dropping his life in Germany for something that could end up being completely harmless.

Alfons was relieved to see his wife shake her head before going back to cooking. "I didn't want to worry him; you're right, you could be perfectly fine. If you are, I'd rather not have him coming all the way over here, unannounced." She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "Could you set the table, meine Liebe?" she asked, finally letting him do _something_.

"Of course," he replied, kissing the top of her head as he got the plates out of the cupboard.

-x-x-x-

The pulmonologist wasn't so bad. Sure, there were tests, but he'd expected that. The doctor was fairly young – in his thirties, at least, and wasn't so aloof as some doctors he'd had. Finally, after a good bit of waiting, the doctor asked Alfons to get a few more tests. "It's probably nothing serious," he assured the blond, "honestly, it seems more like a cold than anything serious... but better safe than sorry." He gave Alfons a few prescriptions for various tests and sent him on his way after setting up a follow-up visit.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" Wilhelmine asked him once they were outside. She stood on tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek. "We have time to get at least some of those tests done today, if you'd like." Clearly, his wife was relieved that the pulmonologist didn't think that this was something very serious.

"No, it wasn't that bad..." Alfons mumbled, taking her hand in his. "I'd rather get as many of them out of the way as possible."

Wilhelmine smiled and intertwined her fingers with his. "Let's get that done, then."

-x-x-x-

Alfons sat nervously in the waiting room. He didn't think that the tests had shown anything serious; at least, he didn't see a worried expression on any of the techs' or nurses' faces... which was a good sign, right? Wilhelmine hadn't come (he wanted to be able to relay the information to her, good or bad), and so he was sitting alone.

When he was called back to the examination room, he was aware of how tense he was. He hadn't quite gotten over his cough, but it did seem better. He supposed that he didn't really have an objective opinion on things of that nature, but still...

The pulmonologist didn't seem very concerned. That was good, right?

"Please sit down," he implored.

Alfons did as he was told, sitting down on the examination table.

"Well, the good news is that your tests came back fine... they weren't perfect, but for someone with your previous condition... you're doing very well. It honestly seems like a cold, and that's remedied with rest and plenty of fluids. If you feel well enough, I'd go back to school and work."

"Thank you."

"Now, I don't necessarily want to keep seeing you regularly, but I think that a check up or something of that nature every few months might be a good idea. It's been five years, hasn't it?"

"Ah... almost."

The doctor smiled. "You might very well be in the clear, then. It's not altogether impossible, but it's less likely..." he trailed off. "If you have any symptoms that you think might be problematic, don't hesitate to see me. It's better to do tests to find out that it's a false alarm than to ignore it to find out that it's serious."

"Yeah..." Alfons agreed. He knew that all too well.

"Well, that's it. Just make sure to get plenty of rest and plenty of fluids."

"I will. Thank you, doctor."

-x-x-x-

"How did it go?" Wilhelmine asked as soon as Alfons walked into the lobby.

He smiled. "It's just a cold... though I don't know if I should kiss you... I don't want you to get sick..."

Wilhelmine beamed. "Me? Please."

Without another word, she reached up and kissed him passionately.

-x-x-x-

"I'm so glad that you're okay," Wilhelmine murmured as she lay cuddled up next to her husband.

"So am I, liebling."

* * *

**Note:** So basically school has been keeping us both super busy! Hopefully this chapter will make up for it. So today is the anniversary of the failed Bierhallenputsch, and also the anniversary of when that lunatic Rudolf Hess shot poor Alfons. So have some Alfons angst/fluff to make up for it! Also, look forward to some independent Alfons fic (probably) on Iggy's other account, which you can find on our profile. 


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